038 Being Alone vs Feeling Alone

Being alone, spending time alone has always been a big part of me. I find solace in these quiet times without the sound of people making demands of me. When I went to Korea for exchange during University in a city where no one knew me or even spoke the same language I felt a sense of peace I never had in my life. There I was anonymous, free of the chains that binded me. Chains that bind, funny how I thought of people relationships in the past. Maybe it stemmed from a deep seated need to help everyone around me feel better, I often found my wants and needs at the bottom of the pile, discarded as a perceived weakness. Think lightly of oneself, think deeply of the world. I took those words to heart but found that I am not yet a Buddha, enlightenment and release from human desires are not yet achievable. Evidently, the path of monkhood is not calling me. 

Instead, I found someone who understands this side of me and appreciates it. It happened gradually then suddenly all at once. She reminded me that taking care of myself is not selfish. After all if I didn't care for myself, how could I properly care for those around me if I fell sick or feel depressed. This person is now my wife. 

Strange how fate brought me back to Korea again. This time being alone feels different. I do not feel that chains have been lifted. Instead, there is a sense of a string, a tether, holding me to Earth so I do not get lost to the storms around me. I have felt totally alone while standing in crowded parties when everyone was having a good time and in my life it has happened all too often. However, now there is a new feeling, one I never felt before. Though I may be working alone in an alien land, I do not feel alone. I know there is someone waiting for me, cheering me on. Times may be tough at times but having someone in your corner, cheering for you can make all the difference. 

 Royston Tan 

 Yes, I am alone, but no I am not lonely.

037 Rebuilding Process

Usually I am inspired to write when I am alone, in a nice cozy cafe, with my laptop and maybe my kindle for comfort. Today, this blog comes from a very different place, a very different situation. I write now from my home in a world where everyone is encouraged or even forced to stay at home. COVID-19, this period will be remembered almost like a World War, except the enemy is a vastly different one. It is invisible, it latches onto anyone, Male or Female, Young or Old, Rich or Poor. Our usual thinking of banding together for safety would likely kill a large percentage of people. Instead, we are forced to be united yet apart. Working together to fight the virus by stay away from each other. It sounds so paradoxical and many still do not understand the message. Being stuck at home was never going to be difficult for me. I was very much an introvert from a young age, books, games, television are a comfort to me rather than a punishment. However, in this period, I slowly realize this "Heaven" was not to be.

A few major crisis hit me just before the virus locked all of us in our homes. My mom fell down and fractured her leg, my brother did not manage to get the job he was originally planned to and my own personal crisis, I failed in my relationship yet again. The world seems to be especially cruel at times, piling crisis upon crisis to see how much I can take. I know how people say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and how God gives the toughest challenges to those he trusts the most. Sometimes I do believe in those but sometimes I get tired as well. With everything happening around me, I feel like just hiding somewhere to absorb it all, to think through it all, to start my rebuilding process. Yet I am stuck at home, at my computer, facing this screen in front of me. I find myself staying up later and later because that is the only time where the world is quiet and I finally have my space to be myself. Yet I find this precious time is too little. I have to work, I have to finish the tasks ahead of me. The tasks snowballs daily and I am always catching up but never catching it. Through it all, there is a nagging feeling that I am not good enough, not good enough at work, not good enough at home, not good enough in a relationship. I know it isn't true, I am good and perhaps even better than many but they say the worst critic of a Virgo is himself and that is absolutely true. In my mind, I see an idealized version of me. One that can devote time to work and exercise efficiently and reduce the down time to a minimum. I am working to be that guy but I guess it will take quite a bit of time and effort.

Time, Effort, Space. All ingredients I need to rebuild myself again. I thought it would be easier with the times I have done so in the past but it seems this time, I lack two out of three ingredients that I usually need. It means the effort has to be gargantuan but nothing worth doing ever is easy. So I will rebuild, with lessons from my past, with the burdens I must bear, but never forgetting to put in a little hope that things will get better and it will never be this dark all the time. Like I always say, I am built like a ball, when life hits me hard, I will always bounce up harder. (Then I remember in gravity, the ball loses power and slowly bounces less...... but that would be another worry for another time) Till next time I come back to this Haven, stay united, stay home, stay safe.

Royston Tan
Rebuilding in Progress, Again.

036 Preventive Maintenance

In our modern fast-paced, ever-connected world, it takes an increasing amount of discipline to disconnect. Taking a bus ride, walking around the city, almost everyone me was glued to a screen or rushing off somewhere. Walking slowly in the light rain, aimlessly exploring places that have changed since I last walked through them is a rare luxury. So rare is free time, I cannot remember the last time I indulged in this hobby of mine.

Maybe it is the high speed of life in Singapore, maybe I chose to just coast along without thinking, maybe I chose to put too much on my plate at times but now I realized what I missed. I have always needed my personal space and time to rest and recharge. While gaming and books may bring me to a different world and afford me an escape from the mundane everyday, the urban hikes give a chance to find wonder in the everyday, to connect deeply and give meaning to the reality around me. Urban Hike, a term I coined for this hobby of mine. A city boy at heart, I simply cannot be too far from creature comforts such as air-conditioning or a clean rest room but I still like the part of exploring. Maybe to many, there is little to wander in the mundane places around us but I feel with a little observation and curiosity, there are plenty to keep me interested. Take for example today, I observed an interesting event going on. Firemen, going around fire hydrants, testing if they're working. It is probably a boring monthly occurrence but this simple job is essential for keeping the areas safe when a fire occurs.

Preventive maintenance, so essential to ensuring the systems around us run smoothly without issue. Yet the most complex system of all is usually lacking in maintenance i.e. the users. I have neglected my own maintenance for far too long. Haven't had the time to process and consider everything that has happened or are happening to me. It is time for me to stop, think before I continue on this journey we call life.

Royston Tan
Maintenance prescribed, once a quarter

035 Many years later.

It's been a while...... I have written less and less over the years. Taken less time to sit and reflect on the events of my life. Many things have changed in this past 2 years yet I never had the impulse to sit down and pen my thoughts. Perhaps nowadays, there are too many distractions and the internet is so prevalent, we can no longer easily cut off from the grid. It has brought many benefits like how it brought me here, to nice cosy cafe in Taiwan just based on instructions from my phone. However, it has made an addict of me as well. To internet news, to facebook, to 9gag, to reddit. There seems to be endless possibilities and for a person like me, addicted to learning all things random, it is a drug that pulled me from many things in life. I am determined to change that. It will take a deliberate effort and it will take a while but I will get there.


Motivation is at a high for me recently. I've got my running routine down, I'm going to start on my gym routine. I am going to live life as healthy as I can. Why? Why the sudden motivation to make such big changes? Well maybe it is the end of one phase of my life and the beginning of the next. I just broke up with Fiona. I loved her and in a certain way, I still do but I realize now, we cannot be together. Many factors come into play, many personal ones that I will not mention here. During this trip, I have thought about many things but she was always in the back of my mind. I thought about us, the times we spent together, about Cory, the good times and the bad times. I thought about them all. I did not want to forget because everything that happened was still a beautiful memory to me. There are many lessons that I learnt but perhaps the most important one is one of letting go.

Royston Tan
Rebuilding in progress

034 Information Overload

It is the decade of information technology. News and information blasts at us from all angles be it your computers, the television or the dear handphone we carry around everywhere. It takes enormous courage and discipline to tune it all out for the fear of "missing out". It is almost as if we will be left out if we do not follow the latest news and happenings. But in this chase for information, we miss out on the most important things, the things happening in our immediate surroundings.

I remember the long walks and bus trips I used to take where I would look around me curiously, catching glimpses of people living out their lives as they pass around me. Sometimes out of the corner of my eye, a stranger might acknowledge me with a wink or a smile. In that instance, a human connection is made. I worry that in our pursuit of connectivity using our pocket portals, we lose sight of these human connections.

Some of my friends may have noticed this but I try very hard not to take out my phone when there is someone else in front of me to talk to. I believe it is common courtesy that you should devote your time and attention to the person in front of you who has chosen to spend his/her time with you. However I realize I am a minority. Perhaps my naïve world view comes about because of my lack of a girlfriend. Someone whom I should place on higher importance that everyone else but should I? Friends and family are just as important. I appreciate those around them by choosing to spend time with them and not by replying the sms this very instant. Messages are just that, messages. If it was important and an instant reply was required, a call would be more appropriate. Perhaps it is time we do not let ourselves be hostages to our phones and email. Time to disconnect electronically and connect physically.

Royston Tan
A Slave no more

033 It's been a while......

It's been a while since I wrote and I miss this feeling dearly. The feeling of sitting down with some time to waste, gathering my thoughts and indulging the withering poet within me. With the hectic pace of my life now, the constant distractions around me, I have found it increasingly difficult to find the time to take a pit stop, stand back and observe what is happening. Now that I am here, the sentences are flowing again. It takes a few more edits than normal and the flow is more of a trickle than a stream but at least it is a start. I should try to make this a more regular endeavour, to sustain my diminishing standards of English writing.

I have mentioned long ago that a Doctorate in Philosophy or PhD was a dream that I wished to pursue since young. The reason for it was not for the possibly higher pay and it was not for the prestige or recognition of academic knowledge. It was a goal set by a younger Royston back in the days of my primary school where the teacher asked me what did I want to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a scientist, to help people with knowledge, to bring progress to Mankind. Years have passed and the experiences around me have made me a little more jaded, a little more cynical and this little dream I had since young was dying bit by bit. You see, the world is not an ideal world. Nikola Tesla, who was probably one of greatest minds of our time had lived quite a substantial part of his life as a pauper. Science, Engineering and Knowledge for the greater good of Mankind simply does not pay as well as putting some of that same smarts into say Financial Engineering.

At first sight, it may seem that these people are liars and cheats, taking the easier way in life. However, I recognize it as a choice of theirs out of ingenuity, to maximize profits for minimal effort. While I recognize the path, I also realize it is not the one I want to take. Some may question if it is an insane way of self-torture or a choice made of out of delusional self righteousness and I must admit, I was and always am battling this self-doubt all the time. However at this moment, I still feel that doing so will not bring me true happiness. I do take solace in some of the creature comforts that money can buy but at the same time I realize that my happiest moments came from cheaper times. Like the time when I won a fight I was not expected to win. The thrill of writing my first programs and getting a net server to work. The solution to an issue that has been plaguing the project for a year before I came to solve it. I realize that the idea of analyzing the stock markets, knowing how it works and beating the system to earn maximum profits do not provide me with the sense of satisfaction. I would gladly work late into the night or into weekends if it was to fulfill a customer demand to get engineering parts out to the market quickly but doing so to clinch a deal worth millions or billions to company just feels cold and cliche to me. Thus I realize that the old Royston did not go away. He did grow jaded but he still knows what he wants. Thus as a first step, I want to fulfill this small little dream. Will it make me a great scientist? Not exactly, but it will provide me a platform to learn and do my own little contributions for Science and Mankind.

I am glad to say I have taken the first step, which is to start the programme. Honestly, while it may seem like a big jump at first, I know now that it was probably the easiest step. In the next 3.5 years, I will face increasing tough obstacles in my path towards my dream but I have to conquer them all. In a certain way, I feel like a RPG character setting off on a long quest except in life there is no reset button, there is no second life. However, the tougher the road, the more epic this journey will be. To quote a line from Barney Stinson, "This will be Legendary!".

Royston Tan

I have chosen my path. Have you?

032 My Job

It's been almost 11 months since I entered this company. In this short time, things may have changed pretty much externally but my job description remains pretty much the same and that's the way I like it...



I have been asked a lot, what exactly is my job? Simply put, I am an engineer, I solve problems! However things aren't as simple in the real world. A real life engineering problem has multiple components and each requires a specific skill set in order to understand it and solve it. Can a person master it all? In a single lifetime? Well many would say it is impossible. After all, if one can do the job of so many, why hire so many people? I know better than to try to prove them wrong but I hope to be able to get a grasp of things, enough for me to understand problems fully and get to their solutions. That for me, is enough :)



So where do I fit in this problem solving puzzle? I am the devil's advocate, the guy no one likes to hear from. I find chinks in the strongest of armors, I find the weakest link in the long chain. In short, I find faults. In this position, I am an agent for change and that is the best and the worst part of my job. It is the part I like best because I believe that it is only through changes that we can continually improve to better ourselves and lift ourselves above what we are to what we could be. However, it is also the toughest job because few people love changes and fewer like to hear that they are the weakest link and they have to work harder to catch up. In a very real sense, I am creating trouble and work for many people who would rather maintain status quo.



However, at times I would feel inadequate. What gives me, a young engineer who has just started on his path the right to tell the seniors that what they have been doing for months and years since the beginning is wrong or inadequate? I do not work in that department, I would barely understand the inner workings or limitations of their equipment and their capabilities. Why should they listen to me? This is the greatest challenge I feel and I question myself everytime I go to tell someone that they should change. How can I get them to believe in me and help each other to improve? I believe the change must come from within, I have to develop the necessary knowledge and ability to meet and deal with people from different departments and backgrounds. I must show that I am sincere in trying to help them solve the problem for greater good and prove my worth as a problem solver, as an engineer.



Yes, I am an engineer and I am proud of my job. It may not give me the best pay, it may not command the most respect but there is something satisfying solving each problem and making things better than they were before. Do I like my job? After 11 months, I can still firmly say, yes I do like my job and I will work harder to be a better engineer :)



Royston Tan
Do you like your job?