In a very real sense, I hate the cards that I am often dealt in life. But perhaps more than that, I hate the way I react to them. I knew long ago that the choice was mine, to deal with them or to put them aside and ignore them, thinking that someone else would come along and clear up the mess. However, my moral values and my own ethos dictate that I do not have that luxury of choice. It is a real paradox, I hate so much simply because I care too much. I care too much to just leave it be and possibly self destruct however, my care and efforts are putting a significant strain on me on my ability to lead my own life. Sometimes I wished I could just selfishly walk away and forget all these but I cannot. The curse of having a good memory is that you never forget, the pain, the hurt, the shame… They do not simply go away but simply dull to an acceptable level to continue with life. Any person would be able to see, if new burdens are constantly placed on the shoulders, no matter how small the burden, they would eventually add up and collapse is but an inevitable outcome. How do I avoid it? How do I delay the inevitable? I have my methods, but I wonder just how long they would continue to work.
Many of my close friends have questioned my addiction to coffee or my tendencies to go crazy with lameness or wildness. However I realize, these are my survival mechanisms, without which this person would have collapsed long ago. Coffee and cafes are my escape, mentally, into a place where no one can follow and no one can disturb. It allows me to think clearly, to reflect and distill all the chaos around me into the basic threats to survival and deal with them logically. It is probably not coincidence that I find often find my peace in the midst of chaos by this method and chart my path out of the storm. As for going crazy, learning to find fun and laughter in the most morbid of situations, I guess it is just a way to release the stress. The world we live in is a crazy and cruel one. If one persists to be too logical or too altruistic, I often find the winds of fate blowing against me. Thus I choose to enjoy the ride once in a while, let life take me where it wants to for a moment before I try to wrestle with it again. You may call it crazy, but I feel it is a way of letting this overworked mind rest.
I guess I have not said much at all but then, I have also said too much. The next time you see me in search of my havens or going into one of my crazy stints again, just smile and pray that I will return from that trip. I know the bridge awaits those that fail to come back but I do not intend stay there just yet. There are things for me to do and life for me to live. I will not succumb just yet.
Royston Tan
Thanks for the concern but the burden is mine to bear.
