038 Being Alone vs Feeling Alone

Being alone, spending time alone has always been a big part of me. I find solace in these quiet times without the sound of people making demands of me. When I went to Korea for exchange during University in a city where no one knew me or even spoke the same language I felt a sense of peace I never had in my life. There I was anonymous, free of the chains that binded me. Chains that bind, funny how I thought of people relationships in the past. Maybe it stemmed from a deep seated need to help everyone around me feel better, I often found my wants and needs at the bottom of the pile, discarded as a perceived weakness. Think lightly of oneself, think deeply of the world. I took those words to heart but found that I am not yet a Buddha, enlightenment and release from human desires are not yet achievable. Evidently, the path of monkhood is not calling me. 

Instead, I found someone who understands this side of me and appreciates it. It happened gradually then suddenly all at once. She reminded me that taking care of myself is not selfish. After all if I didn't care for myself, how could I properly care for those around me if I fell sick or feel depressed. This person is now my wife. 

Strange how fate brought me back to Korea again. This time being alone feels different. I do not feel that chains have been lifted. Instead, there is a sense of a string, a tether, holding me to Earth so I do not get lost to the storms around me. I have felt totally alone while standing in crowded parties when everyone was having a good time and in my life it has happened all too often. However, now there is a new feeling, one I never felt before. Though I may be working alone in an alien land, I do not feel alone. I know there is someone waiting for me, cheering me on. Times may be tough at times but having someone in your corner, cheering for you can make all the difference. 

 Royston Tan 

 Yes, I am alone, but no I am not lonely.