038 Being Alone vs Feeling Alone

Being alone, spending time alone has always been a big part of me. I find solace in these quiet times without the sound of people making demands of me. When I went to Korea for exchange during University in a city where no one knew me or even spoke the same language I felt a sense of peace I never had in my life. There I was anonymous, free of the chains that binded me. Chains that bind, funny how I thought of people relationships in the past. Maybe it stemmed from a deep seated need to help everyone around me feel better, I often found my wants and needs at the bottom of the pile, discarded as a perceived weakness. Think lightly of oneself, think deeply of the world. I took those words to heart but found that I am not yet a Buddha, enlightenment and release from human desires are not yet achievable. Evidently, the path of monkhood is not calling me. 

Instead, I found someone who understands this side of me and appreciates it. It happened gradually then suddenly all at once. She reminded me that taking care of myself is not selfish. After all if I didn't care for myself, how could I properly care for those around me if I fell sick or feel depressed. This person is now my wife. 

Strange how fate brought me back to Korea again. This time being alone feels different. I do not feel that chains have been lifted. Instead, there is a sense of a string, a tether, holding me to Earth so I do not get lost to the storms around me. I have felt totally alone while standing in crowded parties when everyone was having a good time and in my life it has happened all too often. However, now there is a new feeling, one I never felt before. Though I may be working alone in an alien land, I do not feel alone. I know there is someone waiting for me, cheering me on. Times may be tough at times but having someone in your corner, cheering for you can make all the difference. 

 Royston Tan 

 Yes, I am alone, but no I am not lonely.

037 Rebuilding Process

Usually I am inspired to write when I am alone, in a nice cozy cafe, with my laptop and maybe my kindle for comfort. Today, this blog comes from a very different place, a very different situation. I write now from my home in a world where everyone is encouraged or even forced to stay at home. COVID-19, this period will be remembered almost like a World War, except the enemy is a vastly different one. It is invisible, it latches onto anyone, Male or Female, Young or Old, Rich or Poor. Our usual thinking of banding together for safety would likely kill a large percentage of people. Instead, we are forced to be united yet apart. Working together to fight the virus by stay away from each other. It sounds so paradoxical and many still do not understand the message. Being stuck at home was never going to be difficult for me. I was very much an introvert from a young age, books, games, television are a comfort to me rather than a punishment. However, in this period, I slowly realize this "Heaven" was not to be.

A few major crisis hit me just before the virus locked all of us in our homes. My mom fell down and fractured her leg, my brother did not manage to get the job he was originally planned to and my own personal crisis, I failed in my relationship yet again. The world seems to be especially cruel at times, piling crisis upon crisis to see how much I can take. I know how people say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and how God gives the toughest challenges to those he trusts the most. Sometimes I do believe in those but sometimes I get tired as well. With everything happening around me, I feel like just hiding somewhere to absorb it all, to think through it all, to start my rebuilding process. Yet I am stuck at home, at my computer, facing this screen in front of me. I find myself staying up later and later because that is the only time where the world is quiet and I finally have my space to be myself. Yet I find this precious time is too little. I have to work, I have to finish the tasks ahead of me. The tasks snowballs daily and I am always catching up but never catching it. Through it all, there is a nagging feeling that I am not good enough, not good enough at work, not good enough at home, not good enough in a relationship. I know it isn't true, I am good and perhaps even better than many but they say the worst critic of a Virgo is himself and that is absolutely true. In my mind, I see an idealized version of me. One that can devote time to work and exercise efficiently and reduce the down time to a minimum. I am working to be that guy but I guess it will take quite a bit of time and effort.

Time, Effort, Space. All ingredients I need to rebuild myself again. I thought it would be easier with the times I have done so in the past but it seems this time, I lack two out of three ingredients that I usually need. It means the effort has to be gargantuan but nothing worth doing ever is easy. So I will rebuild, with lessons from my past, with the burdens I must bear, but never forgetting to put in a little hope that things will get better and it will never be this dark all the time. Like I always say, I am built like a ball, when life hits me hard, I will always bounce up harder. (Then I remember in gravity, the ball loses power and slowly bounces less...... but that would be another worry for another time) Till next time I come back to this Haven, stay united, stay home, stay safe.

Royston Tan
Rebuilding in Progress, Again.

036 Preventive Maintenance

In our modern fast-paced, ever-connected world, it takes an increasing amount of discipline to disconnect. Taking a bus ride, walking around the city, almost everyone me was glued to a screen or rushing off somewhere. Walking slowly in the light rain, aimlessly exploring places that have changed since I last walked through them is a rare luxury. So rare is free time, I cannot remember the last time I indulged in this hobby of mine.

Maybe it is the high speed of life in Singapore, maybe I chose to just coast along without thinking, maybe I chose to put too much on my plate at times but now I realized what I missed. I have always needed my personal space and time to rest and recharge. While gaming and books may bring me to a different world and afford me an escape from the mundane everyday, the urban hikes give a chance to find wonder in the everyday, to connect deeply and give meaning to the reality around me. Urban Hike, a term I coined for this hobby of mine. A city boy at heart, I simply cannot be too far from creature comforts such as air-conditioning or a clean rest room but I still like the part of exploring. Maybe to many, there is little to wander in the mundane places around us but I feel with a little observation and curiosity, there are plenty to keep me interested. Take for example today, I observed an interesting event going on. Firemen, going around fire hydrants, testing if they're working. It is probably a boring monthly occurrence but this simple job is essential for keeping the areas safe when a fire occurs.

Preventive maintenance, so essential to ensuring the systems around us run smoothly without issue. Yet the most complex system of all is usually lacking in maintenance i.e. the users. I have neglected my own maintenance for far too long. Haven't had the time to process and consider everything that has happened or are happening to me. It is time for me to stop, think before I continue on this journey we call life.

Royston Tan
Maintenance prescribed, once a quarter

035 Many years later.

It's been a while...... I have written less and less over the years. Taken less time to sit and reflect on the events of my life. Many things have changed in this past 2 years yet I never had the impulse to sit down and pen my thoughts. Perhaps nowadays, there are too many distractions and the internet is so prevalent, we can no longer easily cut off from the grid. It has brought many benefits like how it brought me here, to nice cosy cafe in Taiwan just based on instructions from my phone. However, it has made an addict of me as well. To internet news, to facebook, to 9gag, to reddit. There seems to be endless possibilities and for a person like me, addicted to learning all things random, it is a drug that pulled me from many things in life. I am determined to change that. It will take a deliberate effort and it will take a while but I will get there.


Motivation is at a high for me recently. I've got my running routine down, I'm going to start on my gym routine. I am going to live life as healthy as I can. Why? Why the sudden motivation to make such big changes? Well maybe it is the end of one phase of my life and the beginning of the next. I just broke up with Fiona. I loved her and in a certain way, I still do but I realize now, we cannot be together. Many factors come into play, many personal ones that I will not mention here. During this trip, I have thought about many things but she was always in the back of my mind. I thought about us, the times we spent together, about Cory, the good times and the bad times. I thought about them all. I did not want to forget because everything that happened was still a beautiful memory to me. There are many lessons that I learnt but perhaps the most important one is one of letting go.

Royston Tan
Rebuilding in progress

034 Information Overload

It is the decade of information technology. News and information blasts at us from all angles be it your computers, the television or the dear handphone we carry around everywhere. It takes enormous courage and discipline to tune it all out for the fear of "missing out". It is almost as if we will be left out if we do not follow the latest news and happenings. But in this chase for information, we miss out on the most important things, the things happening in our immediate surroundings.

I remember the long walks and bus trips I used to take where I would look around me curiously, catching glimpses of people living out their lives as they pass around me. Sometimes out of the corner of my eye, a stranger might acknowledge me with a wink or a smile. In that instance, a human connection is made. I worry that in our pursuit of connectivity using our pocket portals, we lose sight of these human connections.

Some of my friends may have noticed this but I try very hard not to take out my phone when there is someone else in front of me to talk to. I believe it is common courtesy that you should devote your time and attention to the person in front of you who has chosen to spend his/her time with you. However I realize I am a minority. Perhaps my naïve world view comes about because of my lack of a girlfriend. Someone whom I should place on higher importance that everyone else but should I? Friends and family are just as important. I appreciate those around them by choosing to spend time with them and not by replying the sms this very instant. Messages are just that, messages. If it was important and an instant reply was required, a call would be more appropriate. Perhaps it is time we do not let ourselves be hostages to our phones and email. Time to disconnect electronically and connect physically.

Royston Tan
A Slave no more

033 It's been a while......

It's been a while since I wrote and I miss this feeling dearly. The feeling of sitting down with some time to waste, gathering my thoughts and indulging the withering poet within me. With the hectic pace of my life now, the constant distractions around me, I have found it increasingly difficult to find the time to take a pit stop, stand back and observe what is happening. Now that I am here, the sentences are flowing again. It takes a few more edits than normal and the flow is more of a trickle than a stream but at least it is a start. I should try to make this a more regular endeavour, to sustain my diminishing standards of English writing.

I have mentioned long ago that a Doctorate in Philosophy or PhD was a dream that I wished to pursue since young. The reason for it was not for the possibly higher pay and it was not for the prestige or recognition of academic knowledge. It was a goal set by a younger Royston back in the days of my primary school where the teacher asked me what did I want to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a scientist, to help people with knowledge, to bring progress to Mankind. Years have passed and the experiences around me have made me a little more jaded, a little more cynical and this little dream I had since young was dying bit by bit. You see, the world is not an ideal world. Nikola Tesla, who was probably one of greatest minds of our time had lived quite a substantial part of his life as a pauper. Science, Engineering and Knowledge for the greater good of Mankind simply does not pay as well as putting some of that same smarts into say Financial Engineering.

At first sight, it may seem that these people are liars and cheats, taking the easier way in life. However, I recognize it as a choice of theirs out of ingenuity, to maximize profits for minimal effort. While I recognize the path, I also realize it is not the one I want to take. Some may question if it is an insane way of self-torture or a choice made of out of delusional self righteousness and I must admit, I was and always am battling this self-doubt all the time. However at this moment, I still feel that doing so will not bring me true happiness. I do take solace in some of the creature comforts that money can buy but at the same time I realize that my happiest moments came from cheaper times. Like the time when I won a fight I was not expected to win. The thrill of writing my first programs and getting a net server to work. The solution to an issue that has been plaguing the project for a year before I came to solve it. I realize that the idea of analyzing the stock markets, knowing how it works and beating the system to earn maximum profits do not provide me with the sense of satisfaction. I would gladly work late into the night or into weekends if it was to fulfill a customer demand to get engineering parts out to the market quickly but doing so to clinch a deal worth millions or billions to company just feels cold and cliche to me. Thus I realize that the old Royston did not go away. He did grow jaded but he still knows what he wants. Thus as a first step, I want to fulfill this small little dream. Will it make me a great scientist? Not exactly, but it will provide me a platform to learn and do my own little contributions for Science and Mankind.

I am glad to say I have taken the first step, which is to start the programme. Honestly, while it may seem like a big jump at first, I know now that it was probably the easiest step. In the next 3.5 years, I will face increasing tough obstacles in my path towards my dream but I have to conquer them all. In a certain way, I feel like a RPG character setting off on a long quest except in life there is no reset button, there is no second life. However, the tougher the road, the more epic this journey will be. To quote a line from Barney Stinson, "This will be Legendary!".

Royston Tan

I have chosen my path. Have you?

032 My Job

It's been almost 11 months since I entered this company. In this short time, things may have changed pretty much externally but my job description remains pretty much the same and that's the way I like it...



I have been asked a lot, what exactly is my job? Simply put, I am an engineer, I solve problems! However things aren't as simple in the real world. A real life engineering problem has multiple components and each requires a specific skill set in order to understand it and solve it. Can a person master it all? In a single lifetime? Well many would say it is impossible. After all, if one can do the job of so many, why hire so many people? I know better than to try to prove them wrong but I hope to be able to get a grasp of things, enough for me to understand problems fully and get to their solutions. That for me, is enough :)



So where do I fit in this problem solving puzzle? I am the devil's advocate, the guy no one likes to hear from. I find chinks in the strongest of armors, I find the weakest link in the long chain. In short, I find faults. In this position, I am an agent for change and that is the best and the worst part of my job. It is the part I like best because I believe that it is only through changes that we can continually improve to better ourselves and lift ourselves above what we are to what we could be. However, it is also the toughest job because few people love changes and fewer like to hear that they are the weakest link and they have to work harder to catch up. In a very real sense, I am creating trouble and work for many people who would rather maintain status quo.



However, at times I would feel inadequate. What gives me, a young engineer who has just started on his path the right to tell the seniors that what they have been doing for months and years since the beginning is wrong or inadequate? I do not work in that department, I would barely understand the inner workings or limitations of their equipment and their capabilities. Why should they listen to me? This is the greatest challenge I feel and I question myself everytime I go to tell someone that they should change. How can I get them to believe in me and help each other to improve? I believe the change must come from within, I have to develop the necessary knowledge and ability to meet and deal with people from different departments and backgrounds. I must show that I am sincere in trying to help them solve the problem for greater good and prove my worth as a problem solver, as an engineer.



Yes, I am an engineer and I am proud of my job. It may not give me the best pay, it may not command the most respect but there is something satisfying solving each problem and making things better than they were before. Do I like my job? After 11 months, I can still firmly say, yes I do like my job and I will work harder to be a better engineer :)



Royston Tan
Do you like your job?

031 2010 A Pitstop in Life

Life has always been a rollercoaster ride for me. Exams, projects, relationships and even deaths punctuate this short but eventful life thus far. Stability seemed like such an alien concept. However the fates seem to surprise me all the time. Just as I thought the ship would crack in the storm, it gave me calm waters to navigate. These past months have been... may I dare say, peaceful?

While many find daily life and working a chore, I find welcome solace in the mundane everyday. I am free to enjoy my weekends with friends and family, I sleep peacefully at night without worrying about the tasks that await me when I wake. I welcome these times to mend the cracks, to chart my course through this sea of Life. I have known for some time now, that a key weakness in my life is the lack of long term goals and the short term goals to bring me there but I challenge anyone, to chart a map during a storm where the ship is never steady and survival is a question.

My goals in Life? I have long held that there were 3 things I need to accomplish before I accept my end. First, I want to do a PhD. Not because it opens doors or advances my career, nor for the prestige of being a Doctor. Maybe it is partially due to my passion for pure knowledge. I find fun in learning new things, regardless of when or whether that knowledge would be useful later on. Far more likely though, is for my little sense of pride, a little dream I held since young, to be a scientist. That even though time and fates may delay it, they will never kill that dream. I want to show that I can do it if I wanted it bad enough. A wilful dream, a tad naive but what is a dream if it did not contain those two elements?

Next, I want to own a cafe or a coffeeshop. For those who know me, this comes naturally. I love my coffees, be it the common coffeeshop blend from robusta beans or the blue mountains blend served in high class cafes. Though I have met some who share my need for coffee, few share that same desire. Thus I want a place for coffee lovers by coffee lovers, a place where aficionados can gather to sample and discuss about coffee. A place where I hope to learn to make the best coffee for coffee lovers like me.

Last but definitely not the least, I have a weird dream, to be a taxi driver. This combines two of my favourite things in life, exploring places and meeting people. People may ask, what is there to explore in Singapore? I beg strongly to differ. Have you been to every part of Singapore? Sat at the small coffeeshop at the corner of every street? What is the difference you will naturally ask. After all we are still in Singapore, we speak the same languages, share the same lifestyle and have similar experiences. However, every neighbourhood has its peculiarities and little stories. The early morning queue for coffee and you tiao in Bedok, the beautiful sunset of Punggol End, the deserted estate in Lim Chu Kang, not to mention the countless hidden treasure troves of good food. You only learn of these when you live there and talk to the locals. Life in Singapore is not as boring as what most may think if you note and appreciate the little things in life. Maybe if there is demand, I will write a book but for now, I am contented to explore and enjoy.

Royston Tan
The Beauty of Everyday Life

030 Poker of Life

In a very real sense, I hate the cards that I am often dealt in life. But perhaps more than that, I hate the way I react to them. I knew long ago that the choice was mine, to deal with them or to put them aside and ignore them, thinking that someone else would come along and clear up the mess. However, my moral values and my own ethos dictate that I do not have that luxury of choice. It is a real paradox, I hate so much simply because I care too much. I care too much to just leave it be and possibly self destruct however, my care and efforts are putting a significant strain on me on my ability to lead my own life. Sometimes I wished I could just selfishly walk away and forget all these but I cannot. The curse of having a good memory is that you never forget, the pain, the hurt, the shame… They do not simply go away but simply dull to an acceptable level to continue with life. Any person would be able to see, if new burdens are constantly placed on the shoulders, no matter how small the burden, they would eventually add up and collapse is but an inevitable outcome. How do I avoid it? How do I delay the inevitable? I have my methods, but I wonder just how long they would continue to work.

Many of my close friends have questioned my addiction to coffee or my tendencies to go crazy with lameness or wildness. However I realize, these are my survival mechanisms, without which this person would have collapsed long ago. Coffee and cafes are my escape, mentally, into a place where no one can follow and no one can disturb. It allows me to think clearly, to reflect and distill all the chaos around me into the basic threats to survival and deal with them logically. It is probably not coincidence that I find often find my peace in the midst of chaos by this method and chart my path out of the storm. As for going crazy, learning to find fun and laughter in the most morbid of situations, I guess it is just a way to release the stress. The world we live in is a crazy and cruel one. If one persists to be too logical or too altruistic, I often find the winds of fate blowing against me. Thus I choose to enjoy the ride once in a while, let life take me where it wants to for a moment before I try to wrestle with it again. You may call it crazy, but I feel it is a way of letting this overworked mind rest.

I guess I have not said much at all but then, I have also said too much. The next time you see me in search of my havens or going into one of my crazy stints again, just smile and pray that I will return from that trip. I know the bridge awaits those that fail to come back but I do not intend stay there just yet. There are things for me to do and life for me to live. I will not succumb just yet.

Royston Tan
Thanks for the concern but the burden is mine to bear.

029 Ode to Nice Guys

I found this piece online by chance, thought I would share it.

To the person wrote it, though you may never see this, thanks.

In case you were wondering, it was written by Fu-zu Jen for Wharton Undergraduate Journal.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyway. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Royston Tan
A nice guy? You judge...

028 Lessons from 2007

So the New Year has come and another year has passed. A friend asked me, over the past year, what have I learn? Did what I learn make me a better person? I wonder...

I learnt a lesson long ago about cherishing those around you, I guess that lesson has been reinforced again with the loss of my grandma... I never did spend enough time with her using all the stupid excuses of being too busy. Well, you can be busy, but work is never ending and time spent brightening up the life of another human being is never time wasted. With all the globalization, internet and all speeding our lives up, I guess a lesson all of us need to learn is never to lose sight of the most important things in your life. Is mugging for that grade A really more important than family time? I don't think so anymore.

Who are the ones important to me? Well... There are a few. I won't list them by name but I hope my actions speaks louder than words and you already know who you are. Well... though I don't like to list names, but two of them deserve special mention. My two brothers in arms, Kevin and Yihe. We've known each other for... 10 years. Never have I met people who understand me better than you do and I would trust you with my life. We may differ in opinions at times but yet it is through our differences that we better compliment each other. I'll just stop here before it gets too mushy but here's a simple thanks to you, for all you have taught me in my life.

There was also one I used to cherish, whose name I shall not mention. I'm sorry for keeping the hate so long, for not being able to forgive. When you took that first step to seek my forgiveness, I realize how I've been hating for far too long, remembering only the painful end and forgetting the good times that we shared. Thank you for the good times we spent, no matter how short it was and thank you for teaching me that holding hatred only brings pain to me and those around me. Though things did not work out for you and me, I hope you find happiness someday in someone who would hold the key to unlock your heart the way I could not.

Some people say between the selfish fighting for grades within University and busy timetables, it is difficult to find a true friend. However, I am glad that it has been proven wrong. I did find good friends in the University. I say friends because there is not only one, but a few of you and I cherish each and every one of you. In case you ever wondered, I shall leave the initials here and you recognise yourselves. PS, thanks for being there always when I needed someone to talk to and to share silence with me when I need it most. J, thanks for being my guide and lending me a listening ear whenever I needed sharp, insightful advice into the situations happening around me. S, thanks for bitching with me about common dislikes and likes, for reminding me that there will always be people who appreciate. E, thanks for sharing my weirdest obsession with building stuff and listening to my wildest ideas and lamest jokes. NY, you may not see this, but thanks for always choosing the right moments to appear when I needed someone to ask if I'm alright. I won't crumble but it is nice to know that people still care. Last but not least, H, thanks for sharing moments with me when I was at my weakest, when I just needed an outlet to talk to, to let my frustrations out. Perhaps I have not been the friend always there for you but if you need me, I'm but a call away.

Perhaps the most important I learnt this year was to cherish, to appreciate what I have rather than look at what I did not have. A person who is content is the happiest person be he a king or a pauper. It is only when we cherish what we have that we can find true happiness.

In this world there are so many people that we will meet. Some will become good friends, some will become buddies, some will just remain acquaintances while others I wish I never met. Aside from the friends, there will be those around us with ulterior aims and motives. Human politics, within family, within friends. Honestly, I never cared much for it but often times it is forced upon me due to me being a human, a social creature. What can I do? I can choose, to engage in it, using the experiences I've learnt painfully over the years, and perhaps I could even be a master of it having to deal with it since a very young age. Or I can choose to ignore it, to walk away from all this gaining of favor and false pretentious social interactions. To walk my path amongst those who choose to be sincere and true. In this new year, my resolution is to walk away. Away from the taunts, away from falsehood and present a more true self. Many have tried and many may say it is not possible but I believe I can try. It is way better than the alternative. However, don't think of my walking away as a weakness, as an inability to live in the life of cloak and daggers because if you try to exploit this "weakness", I promise you that I will show you that I do know my way around.

So in the new year, I resolve, to cherish my friends, to walk away from conflicts and to live a meaningful life.

Royston Tan

A person who is content is the happiest person be he a King or a pauper.

027 Cloaks and Daggers

It is the first day of the exams. Where am I? My haven :). Time has flown since I last sat at these comfy sofas, contemplating my direction in life, my achievements and my mistakes. What brings me here today? I don't know. Perhaps, I just wish to escape, have a moment of peace to myself. As I sit here, sipping my coffee, I realize, my blogs have been having a lot more 'I's. Perhaps I no longer wish to be so impersonal in this blog, or perhaps I have managed to pull closer two different sides of Royston. This may be a start of a new stage, a Royston who has less to hide and more to show but I don't think so. Perhaps it is just because I am tired of hiding. There is too much cloak and dagger going on around us and the world, why add to it?

I must say, this is easier said than done. Think about it. Among those you call friends, how many do you actually trust? With your life? With your secrets? How many do you pretend to call friends ? Aren't we all playing a game of cloak and dagger. A game I would dare say, is closely interwined with our very human nature itself. Our ancestors had to fend for themselves against the rest by fighting or display of might. In our current "civilised" world, we no longer do that (openly at least). To maintain the primp and proper nature, we hide our sniggers and snide remarks behind the cloak that forever wraps around our face. While our ancestors clubbed the opponent to death, we choose a more covert backstab with our sharp and shiny dagger. In a sense it is really like the ocean. All calm and quiet on the surface while fishes fight for survival underneath it.

Can we choose not to participate in it? Perhaps, if you're willing to be slaughtered first. Otherwise, we are all participants whether we like it or not. The best course of action is to adapt, to learn the rules of the game and play along. Like any other game, you gain allies and make enemies. Make sure you choose wisely, for your choice could affect your entire life, not just a single moment. The friend you choose could very well be the one covering your back when another dagger comes or adding to it when you are not looking. Perhaps it is in this aspect that I am glad I have a few allies I can trust my life to, to stand alongside as we figure our way through this game.

Perhaps it may be asked, what about the enemies? I'll sharpen a few daggers to lie in wait. Ready to pounce on you each time you make a mistake. Beware...

Royston Tan
Are you also an involuntary player in this game of life?

026 A Happy Birthday

Blogs about happy events are seldom seen. Perhaps it is because a blog is essentially an outlet for an emotional person to release when he/she is sad. However, I shall dedicate this post to a very happy birthday.

Normally, people celebrate one birthday, but in my family, I am lucky to celebrate it twice!! First, there is my usual birthday according to the julian calendar. Then there is the chinese traditional birthday according to the lunar calendar.

Let's sum up the total here. 2 birthdays, 4 cakes, 2 steamboats and many friends and family. What more can a guy ask for?

First on my usualy birthday, I went as usual to school for class, quietly hoping that my friends would surprise me. (though I did know they prepared a wallet for me due to a certain slip :p) Surprise me they did!! I totally did not expect for me to get a cake, a nice little chocolate cake. Yummy... Never noticed them smuggling it into class and maybe because I sat in front I did not see where they hid it either. Credits to my mse friends who took time to give me this first special surprise.

Next up, I was to collect a present prepared for me by an old friend of mine. Okay maybe not very old, but a good friend nonetheless. A nice little card, with a very apt description of me. Never really thought of myself as an owl but now I think about it, it actually rings quite true. Sleeps late, rounded figure, helpful and wise (okay maybe the last two are a bit of self-praise but hey, it was MY birthday!!) But that's not all!! Along with the card was a package which I am told to handle with extreme care for it was fragile. I shall keep that package a secret a little longer. Read below to see what it is...

After that was on to a steamboat with my best buddies!! At first it was planned for quite a few guys to turn up but in the end, many could not make it. Oh wells, their loss!! Haha... so the few of us helped ourselves to sumptious portions of crabs, prawns and te kua!! Delicious!! We ate from 7 - 10!! Amazing that the stomach did not burst!! Haha...

The night was still young so we walked around and went for DESSERT!! LOL... There, I received my second cake of the day. A nice little slice from my best buddies. Thanks guys, for the company. After all these years, you guys are still the best buddies I have man. Brothers in arms forever...

During the dessert session, I opened up the package... Guess what, it was a CAKE!! Not the normal edible cake, but a handmade, handicraft cake made of sponge-like material. It must have took many days and lots of effort to make. I was very very surprised and very verry touched. To the person who made it, Thank you, I love the cake and I will keep it safe. Haha...

That all happened on one birthday!! haha..

The chinese birthday, though not as eventful, was just as memorable. A nice and simple steamboat with my family members and on top of it, a nice cake my dad bought for me from breadtalk. Though there are times we may disagree or argue, I am thankful for the family that I have. My dad may not show he cares but he always remembers to buy a cake for my birthday. My mom would always give me a red packet or buy me a present, my aunt... I owe her too much... and as for my bro... Oh wells... Hahaha...

A fantastic birthday... If only everyday could be this wonderful...

Royston Tan
Happy Birthday to me

025 Ragston

For 3 years so far, I have taken part in this event called NUS Rag. What is rag? In basic terms it is a competition where halls and faculties present their best float designs and performances to wow the rest of the school. However, the effort put in behind every float design, every structure, every dance move are just unbelieveable for that short 5 minutes of performance.

People keep asking me why I take part in this. Why I put in so much effort in return for nothing. Well... I do get something in return. But it is somethings so intangible that I cannot put it down in proper words. For those who never participated in Rag, you may never understand what I am about to say, but for those who did, perhaps you would identify with me.

Rag to me is about creation. The creation of something from nothing. Everything in there was built from very limited resources by hand. All that goes into it is hard work, ingenuity and sometimes shear brilliance. Perhaps only craftsmen and people who do crafts often would understand the pride, the immense satisfaction of a creation completed. When you see everything come together for the first time, there is a sense of indescribable joy. Did we just build that? How did we do it? Even if the final product may not look as pretty as what others may come to expect, but it is the product of our labour. Much like a mother, we love our children no matter what.

Rag is also about the friends around me. How we toiled day and night, countless hours to complete the float. Often, the last three days are spent without sleep. Going non-stop at it until everything is completed. It is the most tiring part, yet the different antics, the encouragement from friends, the watching of National Day Parade on a pathetic laptop, the feeling that you are not alone keeps you going even after all the caffeine has lost its effect. It is also during the last few days that I see what I have come to term as the miracle of Rag. How people from all over come together and work together to create miracles. Things that would have normally taken days to do is done in hours. It is this period, that I feel most drained yet most satisfying.

I would say that after the experience of Rag, there are few obstacles that I believe cannot be overcomed if people are willing to come together and work together to achieve it. Perhaps this may indeed be the most important lesson I learn from Rag and the one thing I liked most about it.

Would I join Rag again? I don't know. It takes a lot out of you but it sure gives a lot back in return. If I have enough to give, if I see the need to perform the miracles, when the calls for Raggers sound again, I will be there to answer the call. Perhaps that is why they call me Ragston. Well... we'll see if I will take up the task again...

Ragston Tan

Rag... Few things come close...

024 Another loss...

It's been a while since I visited this place. Was it because things were going well in my life? I wish I could have said so. However this was not the case. Many times I wanted to run here to blog, to write out my thoughts and random ramblings but in the end I did not. Why? Simply because I lack the time to do so. Some may point out I had the entire holiday to do so but between the things happening in my life, I simply did not have the time nor energy to do so.

What exactly happened? Well... for those who did not know, to put it simply, my paternal grandmother passed away. To say she was my paternal grandmother is not entirely correct either. She was my grandfather's first wife but my father was the son of the second wife. Technically, she is not really my grandma but did it make it hurt any less? I wish it did.

Though I never stayed with her and I never did meet her all that often, I would never forget her care and concern for me. I may not be her real grandson and she may not be my real grandma but that care, concern and love was real. Perhaps this time I did feel it was a matter of too little too late. I should have visited her more often. I should have told her how much I cared for her and how much I appreciated her. Now, I would never have the chance to do so again. Yes, I did visit her nearly everyday when she was in the hospital. I remember holding her hand as she went to sleep at night so she would not feel so lonely. I remember buying food she craved in her final days. I remember praying by her bed for her to get well. It may be late I know, but I hope amidst all the unhappiness that was around, at least these acts of love made her final days a little happier. What unhappiness? Well... let's just say I live in a complicated family. One that can be made into a channel 8 serial drama series or perhaps even a few. Hahaha......

All these made me realize, family members often disagree or even quarrel but at the end of the day, we are all still family. Look deep inside, there is still that care and concern for one another. Why not learn to emphasize on that love for one another?

Royston Tan

Leave out all the rest

023 An Open Mind

A lot has happened recently to show me again what surprises humanity always holds for me. However, I never really had the chance to sit down and reflect upon them. Lab reports, deadlines, exams, tutorials... these 'important' things clog up my mind and refuse to give me a quiet moment to think the issues though. I say 'important' because I believe someday in the future when I look back at these times, I will see how silly I was worrying about such school work and grades but since I am still living in these times, it is still important, for now...

However, something more important has happened. My grandma was recently admitted into TTSH. While she has been suffering from bad health for some time now, she was well enough to stay at home until now. When my mom told me about it, I knew I had to go visit her. I had put off visiting her due to all those 'important' excuses that I had. Now I realize that if I put it off any further, I may regret it for life. Compared to my other grandma, I probably am not as close to her. Perhaps it is due to me not living with her, perhaps it was because she is not exactly my grandma. It sounds weird, I know but I had three grandmas. One, my paternal one died before I was born. Two, my maternal one died when I was 16. This last one is also my paternal one because my grandpa had two wifes. My grandma was the 2nd wife. Even so, she loved me as one of her own. Some say it is because of the striking resemblance between me and my grandpa but that does not de-value the love she had for me. In a sense, I never really thought of her as anyone but my grandma as well.

When I visited her, I was told by an aunt to meditate on her behalf and pray for my grandma's health. I agreed, almost immediately. I found a corner where I would not be disturbed and sat down to meditate for half an hour. In meditation, I cleared my mind of all thoughts. Exams, petty squabbles, noises, distractions were cleared from me one by one. After a while, I reached what I describe as a peace of mind. In this state, problems, people, perceptions were clear to me. While it was liberating, it was also sad. Like an observer looking at a diamond, things look smooth and shiny at first but when you look closer and closer, you see the flaws, the problems. I would not say I reached enlightenment for that is far beyond me but it did allow me to feel a sense of it. Perhaps that is why I also learn to take things in my stride. Some things are within my power to change but some are not. Sometimes we have to learn how to take things easy. Perhaps if the people around me were open to this concept, we would be less troubled. I guess it still depends on the personality of the individual. This session of meditation helped clear my mind of a lot of things and in a sense I am glad for it. Hopefully I can teach it to some of my friends and set them free. In saying this, I am not trying to convert anyone to Buddhism because I believe Buddhism is a practice, not a religion. It is a way of life and if some people can get used to it, good for them, if not, it is their choice. Buddhism as a practice... That is another topic for another day...

Royston Tan
Open up your mind and free yourself

022 Different sides of a dice

Some people have questioned, why I don't blog anymore, or some would think, I seldom add entries to this blog. Well the latter is true. More and more I realize I have no time to blog and even when I do, I do not know what to say. I started this blog as an outlet for my friends to get to know me better on the different front, a Royston that they almost never get to see.

However, I realize that it is not only my good friends that get to see this blog. Occasionally I do have strangers or acquaintances who happen to chance by this blog. Sometimes they leave a comment, some try to cheer me up or offer alternative viewpoints. For this, I appreciate them and welcome them.

Then there are those who come here trying to dig a little more info about me. To see who I am inside or give them a clue as to what I am thinking currently. To these people, I give this advice. I don't even understand myself at times. What makes you think I can be understood by another person? Perhaps one thing about me can be understood either by knowing me or reading this blog. It is that there are at least two sides of me, one you see in person and one you see here. How many sides make up Royston? That is the question and honestly, I think I lost count.

Let me give you a few examples. There is the zany Royston that would crack lame jokes, does crazy things and has no qualms about embarassing himself. There is also the hopelessly romantic Royston that would love to sit by the river, enjoying a coffee and see the day go by. This is the same Royston that would walk under the rain to feel the raindrops falling from the sky directly onto him. There is also the brother that would put aside everything to help a friend in need but there is also the guy that would give no mercy to a person that has betrayed his trust. Is that all? Not really. Let's see how many sides you get to see.

Royston Tan
Multi-faceted but all me

021 Crossroads

It seems once again, life brings me to yet another crossroad as it does so very often. Most of the time, I will choose what I feel I would never regret. Most of the time, I would choose the path less travelled. Decision making seems to come to me easily. This time however, I am truly at a loss. Either way may lead me down a path I would regret. While one may promise rewards greater than I could ever imagine, it also has potential to bring me the greatest pain. The other while promising no reward at least promises little pain. However, this once, I am truly afraid. For if I take the wrong step, there is no turning back.
Somebody please tell me, what should I do? Confused...

Royston Tan
Which ever path I choose, someone may get hurt. Will it be me?

020 Creature of the night

The nightlife is always so much more appealing to me. There is something about the blanketing darkness, the cool night breeze that appeals to me. Perhaps some may say I prefer to hide in darkness, perhaps some say I do not dare face the light. Let them say what they like. Perhaps there is a certain truth to what they say... then again... perhaps not.

When you mention nightlife however, people think of different things. Most people think of clubs, pubs and even nightclubs. Though these form part of the nightlife, they do not figure high on my to do list (esp not nightclubs). To me I much prefer the simpler things in the night, a supper at a good supper spot with good food and even better company. Somehow the night makes it easier to talk. Words and topics come freely and easily. Things that are hidden in the day come out to play. When tiredness finally sets in, the songs of the night takes over.

Clubs and pubs... They are so different from the simple supper spots. However, they do add an interesting dimension to nightlife. Years ago, I recalled wondering, what's with all these adults drinking a bitter liquid that turns normally sensible men into retards who cannot even control their actions and bowels. Today, I am happy to say, I am not one of those men. I do drink, that I admit but only when with friends and only when I am happy. Alcohol does give a certain sense of euphoria that nothing else provides but only in moderation. I guess I am lucky in the sense that even when I am drunk, I know what I am doing and I know how to take care of myself. There is a limit to how much I can drink and I will not overstep that boundary. However, wherever I am, whatever I do, there is always a bottomline when I go drinking. It is a rule that I set for myself a long time ago and it is a rule which I will never break. Never drink when I am sad. Drinking is only for happy occasions. Only cowards who cannot face their problems drown their sorrows in alcohol. In the end, they get a temporary relieve, a big bad headache and a huge hit to the liver. For what purpose if I may ask. Alcohols should never be wasted on sadness but rather to celebrate happiness and friendship.

Royston Tan
Alcohol, curse or blessing...

019 Dreams Are My Reality

Have you ever had a dream so wonderful, so beautiful, so vivid that you thought it was real? I had one recently. Perhaps it was my sub-conscious mind cheering me up, or maybe it was a message. Then again, it might just be a premonition of things to come. I somehow wish it was the last option.

Though it is a very private dream, for once, I feel like sharing it. It was a very simple dream, but there was one moment that I remembered very vividly. It was a feeling I never felt before except in this dream. I was walking along the street on my way home. Beside me was this lovely lady whom I just cannot seem to remember the face of. (Perhaps it is a surprise that fate planned for me.) I was holding her hand and she was holding mine. It was this blissful feeling of being in love with someone and being loved in return. It was a dream, but I could almost feel her hand, the softness of her touch and her warmth. I remember having to let go of her hand to do something but she refused to let me go. I relented, so we just held hands and continued walking. She wanted me to clasp her hand with both hands and so I did. She then clasp her hand over mine. Though it was hard to walk that way, it was just a beautiful moment to me.

To some of you this dream may seem too insignificant with nothing much in it. However, I feel different. It was the touch of her hand that conveyed feelings more than any word could. It is a feeling I cannot simply describe with words for words would de-value it.

Perhaps it shows my longing for a one true love, perhaps it is a sign of things to come. I do not know. All I know is, I enjoyed the dream and it brightened up my day.

To the lady of my dream, I don't know who you are or how you look like but you brightened up my life just by simply coming to me in this dream. To live this dream, I am willing to search for you, I am willing to wait for you...

Royston Tan
If only dreams come true...