025 Ragston

For 3 years so far, I have taken part in this event called NUS Rag. What is rag? In basic terms it is a competition where halls and faculties present their best float designs and performances to wow the rest of the school. However, the effort put in behind every float design, every structure, every dance move are just unbelieveable for that short 5 minutes of performance.

People keep asking me why I take part in this. Why I put in so much effort in return for nothing. Well... I do get something in return. But it is somethings so intangible that I cannot put it down in proper words. For those who never participated in Rag, you may never understand what I am about to say, but for those who did, perhaps you would identify with me.

Rag to me is about creation. The creation of something from nothing. Everything in there was built from very limited resources by hand. All that goes into it is hard work, ingenuity and sometimes shear brilliance. Perhaps only craftsmen and people who do crafts often would understand the pride, the immense satisfaction of a creation completed. When you see everything come together for the first time, there is a sense of indescribable joy. Did we just build that? How did we do it? Even if the final product may not look as pretty as what others may come to expect, but it is the product of our labour. Much like a mother, we love our children no matter what.

Rag is also about the friends around me. How we toiled day and night, countless hours to complete the float. Often, the last three days are spent without sleep. Going non-stop at it until everything is completed. It is the most tiring part, yet the different antics, the encouragement from friends, the watching of National Day Parade on a pathetic laptop, the feeling that you are not alone keeps you going even after all the caffeine has lost its effect. It is also during the last few days that I see what I have come to term as the miracle of Rag. How people from all over come together and work together to create miracles. Things that would have normally taken days to do is done in hours. It is this period, that I feel most drained yet most satisfying.

I would say that after the experience of Rag, there are few obstacles that I believe cannot be overcomed if people are willing to come together and work together to achieve it. Perhaps this may indeed be the most important lesson I learn from Rag and the one thing I liked most about it.

Would I join Rag again? I don't know. It takes a lot out of you but it sure gives a lot back in return. If I have enough to give, if I see the need to perform the miracles, when the calls for Raggers sound again, I will be there to answer the call. Perhaps that is why they call me Ragston. Well... we'll see if I will take up the task again...

Ragston Tan

Rag... Few things come close...

024 Another loss...

It's been a while since I visited this place. Was it because things were going well in my life? I wish I could have said so. However this was not the case. Many times I wanted to run here to blog, to write out my thoughts and random ramblings but in the end I did not. Why? Simply because I lack the time to do so. Some may point out I had the entire holiday to do so but between the things happening in my life, I simply did not have the time nor energy to do so.

What exactly happened? Well... for those who did not know, to put it simply, my paternal grandmother passed away. To say she was my paternal grandmother is not entirely correct either. She was my grandfather's first wife but my father was the son of the second wife. Technically, she is not really my grandma but did it make it hurt any less? I wish it did.

Though I never stayed with her and I never did meet her all that often, I would never forget her care and concern for me. I may not be her real grandson and she may not be my real grandma but that care, concern and love was real. Perhaps this time I did feel it was a matter of too little too late. I should have visited her more often. I should have told her how much I cared for her and how much I appreciated her. Now, I would never have the chance to do so again. Yes, I did visit her nearly everyday when she was in the hospital. I remember holding her hand as she went to sleep at night so she would not feel so lonely. I remember buying food she craved in her final days. I remember praying by her bed for her to get well. It may be late I know, but I hope amidst all the unhappiness that was around, at least these acts of love made her final days a little happier. What unhappiness? Well... let's just say I live in a complicated family. One that can be made into a channel 8 serial drama series or perhaps even a few. Hahaha......

All these made me realize, family members often disagree or even quarrel but at the end of the day, we are all still family. Look deep inside, there is still that care and concern for one another. Why not learn to emphasize on that love for one another?

Royston Tan

Leave out all the rest

023 An Open Mind

A lot has happened recently to show me again what surprises humanity always holds for me. However, I never really had the chance to sit down and reflect upon them. Lab reports, deadlines, exams, tutorials... these 'important' things clog up my mind and refuse to give me a quiet moment to think the issues though. I say 'important' because I believe someday in the future when I look back at these times, I will see how silly I was worrying about such school work and grades but since I am still living in these times, it is still important, for now...

However, something more important has happened. My grandma was recently admitted into TTSH. While she has been suffering from bad health for some time now, she was well enough to stay at home until now. When my mom told me about it, I knew I had to go visit her. I had put off visiting her due to all those 'important' excuses that I had. Now I realize that if I put it off any further, I may regret it for life. Compared to my other grandma, I probably am not as close to her. Perhaps it is due to me not living with her, perhaps it was because she is not exactly my grandma. It sounds weird, I know but I had three grandmas. One, my paternal one died before I was born. Two, my maternal one died when I was 16. This last one is also my paternal one because my grandpa had two wifes. My grandma was the 2nd wife. Even so, she loved me as one of her own. Some say it is because of the striking resemblance between me and my grandpa but that does not de-value the love she had for me. In a sense, I never really thought of her as anyone but my grandma as well.

When I visited her, I was told by an aunt to meditate on her behalf and pray for my grandma's health. I agreed, almost immediately. I found a corner where I would not be disturbed and sat down to meditate for half an hour. In meditation, I cleared my mind of all thoughts. Exams, petty squabbles, noises, distractions were cleared from me one by one. After a while, I reached what I describe as a peace of mind. In this state, problems, people, perceptions were clear to me. While it was liberating, it was also sad. Like an observer looking at a diamond, things look smooth and shiny at first but when you look closer and closer, you see the flaws, the problems. I would not say I reached enlightenment for that is far beyond me but it did allow me to feel a sense of it. Perhaps that is why I also learn to take things in my stride. Some things are within my power to change but some are not. Sometimes we have to learn how to take things easy. Perhaps if the people around me were open to this concept, we would be less troubled. I guess it still depends on the personality of the individual. This session of meditation helped clear my mind of a lot of things and in a sense I am glad for it. Hopefully I can teach it to some of my friends and set them free. In saying this, I am not trying to convert anyone to Buddhism because I believe Buddhism is a practice, not a religion. It is a way of life and if some people can get used to it, good for them, if not, it is their choice. Buddhism as a practice... That is another topic for another day...

Royston Tan
Open up your mind and free yourself

022 Different sides of a dice

Some people have questioned, why I don't blog anymore, or some would think, I seldom add entries to this blog. Well the latter is true. More and more I realize I have no time to blog and even when I do, I do not know what to say. I started this blog as an outlet for my friends to get to know me better on the different front, a Royston that they almost never get to see.

However, I realize that it is not only my good friends that get to see this blog. Occasionally I do have strangers or acquaintances who happen to chance by this blog. Sometimes they leave a comment, some try to cheer me up or offer alternative viewpoints. For this, I appreciate them and welcome them.

Then there are those who come here trying to dig a little more info about me. To see who I am inside or give them a clue as to what I am thinking currently. To these people, I give this advice. I don't even understand myself at times. What makes you think I can be understood by another person? Perhaps one thing about me can be understood either by knowing me or reading this blog. It is that there are at least two sides of me, one you see in person and one you see here. How many sides make up Royston? That is the question and honestly, I think I lost count.

Let me give you a few examples. There is the zany Royston that would crack lame jokes, does crazy things and has no qualms about embarassing himself. There is also the hopelessly romantic Royston that would love to sit by the river, enjoying a coffee and see the day go by. This is the same Royston that would walk under the rain to feel the raindrops falling from the sky directly onto him. There is also the brother that would put aside everything to help a friend in need but there is also the guy that would give no mercy to a person that has betrayed his trust. Is that all? Not really. Let's see how many sides you get to see.

Royston Tan
Multi-faceted but all me

021 Crossroads

It seems once again, life brings me to yet another crossroad as it does so very often. Most of the time, I will choose what I feel I would never regret. Most of the time, I would choose the path less travelled. Decision making seems to come to me easily. This time however, I am truly at a loss. Either way may lead me down a path I would regret. While one may promise rewards greater than I could ever imagine, it also has potential to bring me the greatest pain. The other while promising no reward at least promises little pain. However, this once, I am truly afraid. For if I take the wrong step, there is no turning back.
Somebody please tell me, what should I do? Confused...

Royston Tan
Which ever path I choose, someone may get hurt. Will it be me?

020 Creature of the night

The nightlife is always so much more appealing to me. There is something about the blanketing darkness, the cool night breeze that appeals to me. Perhaps some may say I prefer to hide in darkness, perhaps some say I do not dare face the light. Let them say what they like. Perhaps there is a certain truth to what they say... then again... perhaps not.

When you mention nightlife however, people think of different things. Most people think of clubs, pubs and even nightclubs. Though these form part of the nightlife, they do not figure high on my to do list (esp not nightclubs). To me I much prefer the simpler things in the night, a supper at a good supper spot with good food and even better company. Somehow the night makes it easier to talk. Words and topics come freely and easily. Things that are hidden in the day come out to play. When tiredness finally sets in, the songs of the night takes over.

Clubs and pubs... They are so different from the simple supper spots. However, they do add an interesting dimension to nightlife. Years ago, I recalled wondering, what's with all these adults drinking a bitter liquid that turns normally sensible men into retards who cannot even control their actions and bowels. Today, I am happy to say, I am not one of those men. I do drink, that I admit but only when with friends and only when I am happy. Alcohol does give a certain sense of euphoria that nothing else provides but only in moderation. I guess I am lucky in the sense that even when I am drunk, I know what I am doing and I know how to take care of myself. There is a limit to how much I can drink and I will not overstep that boundary. However, wherever I am, whatever I do, there is always a bottomline when I go drinking. It is a rule that I set for myself a long time ago and it is a rule which I will never break. Never drink when I am sad. Drinking is only for happy occasions. Only cowards who cannot face their problems drown their sorrows in alcohol. In the end, they get a temporary relieve, a big bad headache and a huge hit to the liver. For what purpose if I may ask. Alcohols should never be wasted on sadness but rather to celebrate happiness and friendship.

Royston Tan
Alcohol, curse or blessing...

019 Dreams Are My Reality

Have you ever had a dream so wonderful, so beautiful, so vivid that you thought it was real? I had one recently. Perhaps it was my sub-conscious mind cheering me up, or maybe it was a message. Then again, it might just be a premonition of things to come. I somehow wish it was the last option.

Though it is a very private dream, for once, I feel like sharing it. It was a very simple dream, but there was one moment that I remembered very vividly. It was a feeling I never felt before except in this dream. I was walking along the street on my way home. Beside me was this lovely lady whom I just cannot seem to remember the face of. (Perhaps it is a surprise that fate planned for me.) I was holding her hand and she was holding mine. It was this blissful feeling of being in love with someone and being loved in return. It was a dream, but I could almost feel her hand, the softness of her touch and her warmth. I remember having to let go of her hand to do something but she refused to let me go. I relented, so we just held hands and continued walking. She wanted me to clasp her hand with both hands and so I did. She then clasp her hand over mine. Though it was hard to walk that way, it was just a beautiful moment to me.

To some of you this dream may seem too insignificant with nothing much in it. However, I feel different. It was the touch of her hand that conveyed feelings more than any word could. It is a feeling I cannot simply describe with words for words would de-value it.

Perhaps it shows my longing for a one true love, perhaps it is a sign of things to come. I do not know. All I know is, I enjoyed the dream and it brightened up my day.

To the lady of my dream, I don't know who you are or how you look like but you brightened up my life just by simply coming to me in this dream. To live this dream, I am willing to search for you, I am willing to wait for you...

Royston Tan
If only dreams come true...