What constitutes a family? For me, it is my Dad, my Mom, my Brother, myself and until recently, my grandma. She passed away 3 years ago just before my 'O' levels. Thinking back, it is rather amazing how I still studied for my 'O's. How I simply blocked out a part of me to keep it hidden inside for so long. I lived wth my grandma since I was born. to tell the truth she cared for me more than anyone in the world and in return, I loved her.
She fell sick with Alzheimer's when I was in secondary school. When exactly? I do not remember. Taking care of her has been my task throughout my secondary school years. I remember after school when every kid was heading out for fun, I often had to go back home as the rest of my family were busy or out. I had to be home to take care of grandma. To tell the truth I did feel a bit frustrated but now I look back, I am glad I made that choice. Sometimes I had to prepare her food and even feed her and now when I look back I think those events brought me closer to her.
At the later stage of her disease she could not be left at home for a single moment unattended. We sought help from our many relatives, my uncles, aunts and cousins. Except for my closest aunt who is also my godma, nobody really paid heed to our call. My aunt came to our home as often as she could but of course she had a husband to take care of and she could not neglect her family. Even so she tried to spend any available time at my home taking care of my Grandma. The richer ones offered to hire a maid. Though I appreciate the thought I cannot bear my Grandma taken care of by a total stranger from a foreign land given the countless tales of horrors of maids from abroad. The others claimed they had no time. They had to work, they had a family to take care of. I understand their difficulties but if everyone had just chipped in a bit the burden would be much less to bear on my family and my aunt. I can't say I blame them but it would be false to say I did not. On one hand I identify with their difficulty and on the other hand I am saddened by this sight. The old belief that having more children guarantees you a comfortable old age is nothing more than a myth in this modern selfish world.
Though she has passed on for many years now, I still remember dearly the last day I saw her. She could not bear to die in front of me so she waited till I left. I did not hear the news till I reached home that evening. That afternoon as I sat beside her. She was already in a state of semiconsciousness that left her motionless. But miraculously, when I held her hand that day she held it tightly as if she couldn't bear to part. I did not understand her message but I understood it was nearly time to let her go. Understanding is just so different from experiencing as nothing prepared me for the sorrow that I felt when I received news of the inevitable. I hope I would never feel that again.
The day I took my first paper, my English Paper I was the day she was supposed to be cremated. I held back my tears as much as I could but even so, as I saw the body slowly pushed into the fire. My tears just could not stop.I don't know how a logical person like me can ever feel this way but I could only hope that the pain would lessen in time.
Royston Tan
Grandma I miss you
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Sunday, August 15, 2004
007 Ghosts
Since young, I have always had this fascination with all things paranormal. Ghosts are but just a part of it. I had always wondered, what goes on after we die. Is there really another side where we continue our existence?
Living in my family and in Singapore, I get to see many different eye-openers. One of themany spectacles is how people invoke gods into their bodies and do incredible things they are not able to do normally. Many sceptics point to many tricks of the trade and such but I feel all they need is to sit in one of the real actual sessions. See if they still have the same impression after that. :) Maybe some say it is just unlocking the powers of the mind but even so it continues to fascinate me. I wonder how it is possible. But like magic, I guess the "fun" is in not knowing how it works.
One other weird thing is how some people claim to be able to see ghosts. Though it is fascinating I do hope never to live withthat burden. I have met people who are able to do so and from what I hear, it is not a pretty sight. However, it is pretty helpful to have such friends around. He used to warn us while we were training outfield where to avoid and where not to piss. Never really understood until I met them that outfield can be so "dangerous".
Somehow with all these real cases there are always some that involve the "ghosts" in our hearts. Recently after watching "The Village", I started to question, are all the limitations in our society and world for real, or are they like "those we do not speak of", just old wives tales or stories meant to protect us. What if we had the means to go and live in moon but it was kept from us as it is inhabited by aliens as conspiracy theorists claim? What if the lack of air in outer space was just one big cover-up? How would we find out the truth? Do we dare to question all these "facts"? Maybe I had ventured a bit too far into Sci-fi but it is simply true that we have all lived in a cocooned lfe that simply accepts all these "facts" that our government and world throw at us. What if we wake up tomorrow out of the "Matrix"? I bet most of you probably just laugh off my questions but for those who actually stop to think, just think. Where do we get all the information about outer space? Why are there no more manned missions to the moon? Have we discovered it all?
Royston Tan
Have you even paused to think why rain drops all at once in small droplets and not as a sheet of water or small droplets as and when they condense?
Living in my family and in Singapore, I get to see many different eye-openers. One of themany spectacles is how people invoke gods into their bodies and do incredible things they are not able to do normally. Many sceptics point to many tricks of the trade and such but I feel all they need is to sit in one of the real actual sessions. See if they still have the same impression after that. :) Maybe some say it is just unlocking the powers of the mind but even so it continues to fascinate me. I wonder how it is possible. But like magic, I guess the "fun" is in not knowing how it works.
One other weird thing is how some people claim to be able to see ghosts. Though it is fascinating I do hope never to live withthat burden. I have met people who are able to do so and from what I hear, it is not a pretty sight. However, it is pretty helpful to have such friends around. He used to warn us while we were training outfield where to avoid and where not to piss. Never really understood until I met them that outfield can be so "dangerous".
Somehow with all these real cases there are always some that involve the "ghosts" in our hearts. Recently after watching "The Village", I started to question, are all the limitations in our society and world for real, or are they like "those we do not speak of", just old wives tales or stories meant to protect us. What if we had the means to go and live in moon but it was kept from us as it is inhabited by aliens as conspiracy theorists claim? What if the lack of air in outer space was just one big cover-up? How would we find out the truth? Do we dare to question all these "facts"? Maybe I had ventured a bit too far into Sci-fi but it is simply true that we have all lived in a cocooned lfe that simply accepts all these "facts" that our government and world throw at us. What if we wake up tomorrow out of the "Matrix"? I bet most of you probably just laugh off my questions but for those who actually stop to think, just think. Where do we get all the information about outer space? Why are there no more manned missions to the moon? Have we discovered it all?
Royston Tan
Have you even paused to think why rain drops all at once in small droplets and not as a sheet of water or small droplets as and when they condense?
Thursday, July 29, 2004
006 The Perfect Storm
Do you like the rain? It seems to dampen everybody's spirits. Somehow, I love it.
When it rains, it has a very soothing effect on me when I am in shelter. I remember when I was in primary school, whenever it rained, I would look to the window grilles just outside the class. The way the raindrops form patterns on the grilles just looks so wonderful and magical to me.
Even now, when I see it, it never ceases to amaze me.
However the sad side about rain is that it discourages everyone from going out because they don't want to get wet. This hardly applies to me as I love the rain in all it's entirety. When it is raining and I am outside, I hardly rush as I like the wet feeling. Strange but true. It just feels so good to have water straight from nature to your palms.
You would think someone like me who likes the water would love the sea, however it is not true, sadly. The sea is full of salt and in some cases rubbish and waste. What is there to love I wonder? Yes the sea is full of mysterious creatures and wonders, the sound of the sea and gentle sea breeze is so comfortable. However certain aspects of it just puts me off. Perhaps that's why I was never one of those sand and sea type of guy.
Royston Tan
Water, the essence of Life.
When it rains, it has a very soothing effect on me when I am in shelter. I remember when I was in primary school, whenever it rained, I would look to the window grilles just outside the class. The way the raindrops form patterns on the grilles just looks so wonderful and magical to me.
Even now, when I see it, it never ceases to amaze me.
However the sad side about rain is that it discourages everyone from going out because they don't want to get wet. This hardly applies to me as I love the rain in all it's entirety. When it is raining and I am outside, I hardly rush as I like the wet feeling. Strange but true. It just feels so good to have water straight from nature to your palms.
You would think someone like me who likes the water would love the sea, however it is not true, sadly. The sea is full of salt and in some cases rubbish and waste. What is there to love I wonder? Yes the sea is full of mysterious creatures and wonders, the sound of the sea and gentle sea breeze is so comfortable. However certain aspects of it just puts me off. Perhaps that's why I was never one of those sand and sea type of guy.
Royston Tan
Water, the essence of Life.
Friday, July 16, 2004
005 A Nation's Pride
National Day, the day we all come together to celebrate the birthday of our Nation. For now many of our parents and grand parents were probably around when the nation was born. They suffered with it and worked hard for our independence. They still feel the pride and joy when the national anthem is sung, full of nostalgia from the time of 1965.
I wonder, in this new generation born after that tough era of nation building, do we still feel that sense of belonging to our nation? Globalisation is happening so fast and it is so widespread. Everybody simply moves to the place they would like to stay in. Even when i was studying, I was hearing intentions of others to go overseas for studies and remain there. Others say it is impossible for us to make a living locally anymore. All these thoughts are so pessimistic and depressing. Don't they feel any belonging to this place anymore?
Maybe I am a naive little boy but I see the many people around me living a rather good life in this country, isn't that called making a living? If it is really as hard as people say why are there people emigrating into our country? I simply refuse to believe what others are saying. People may call me stupid but I don't care, I won't abandon this place. Our leaders are going through a major shift from PM Goh to DPM Lee and some have commented that life is gonna get difficult from now on. But when the going gets tough,should the tough get going? I am affected by PM Goh's speech 2 yrs ago to be a "stayer". If there are changes I don't like, I have a brain to analyse if it is good or bad for the greater good. If it is not, we should oppose it, if it is then we support it. Being a "quitter" running from place to place you will probably find someday you have no place to run to. I prefer a place I am familiar with, is this loyalty? I dunno but I hope more will stay to work for a better Singapore than to give up on it and run to another place. Just my 2 cents.
Royston Tan
Are you a Stayer or a Quitter?
I wonder, in this new generation born after that tough era of nation building, do we still feel that sense of belonging to our nation? Globalisation is happening so fast and it is so widespread. Everybody simply moves to the place they would like to stay in. Even when i was studying, I was hearing intentions of others to go overseas for studies and remain there. Others say it is impossible for us to make a living locally anymore. All these thoughts are so pessimistic and depressing. Don't they feel any belonging to this place anymore?
Maybe I am a naive little boy but I see the many people around me living a rather good life in this country, isn't that called making a living? If it is really as hard as people say why are there people emigrating into our country? I simply refuse to believe what others are saying. People may call me stupid but I don't care, I won't abandon this place. Our leaders are going through a major shift from PM Goh to DPM Lee and some have commented that life is gonna get difficult from now on. But when the going gets tough,should the tough get going? I am affected by PM Goh's speech 2 yrs ago to be a "stayer". If there are changes I don't like, I have a brain to analyse if it is good or bad for the greater good. If it is not, we should oppose it, if it is then we support it. Being a "quitter" running from place to place you will probably find someday you have no place to run to. I prefer a place I am familiar with, is this loyalty? I dunno but I hope more will stay to work for a better Singapore than to give up on it and run to another place. Just my 2 cents.
Royston Tan
Are you a Stayer or a Quitter?
Thursday, July 08, 2004
004 Psychology
Part of my job as a medic specialist allows me to come in contact with people who are mentally imbalanced. Some people may use the term mad but somehow when I come in contact with them I feel that term is inappropriate. Most people tend to face stress in everyday life. It is a common thing, but the difference lies in how we handle it and our tolerance for it.
Many of these patients are not so different from you and I. They are just not sure how to deal with the stress surrounding them. Some face so much stress, any of us put in their position would probably turn out the same.
I often wonder how I can help them, I see them taking different medicines to calm their minds and sleep better but this breeds reliance and I personally feel these are not long term solutions. How then should I tackle this problem? Perhaps the solution is in it's source? I do not know, neither do I have the time, energy or expertise to follow up on their case. Maybe I should take up a module in psychology in uni to pursue my interest?? We shall see......
Looking at the stress I face everyday, I wonder will I also fall someday? I certainly hope not. I have always thrived on pressure and perhaps you can say the fear of failing is my motivation everyday. This stress must be properly channeled and harnessed. Research have shown a stressed worker is more efficient and less likely to makes mistakes, but what it doesn't say is that they probably die younger due to a host of stress-related diseases. However I am determined, with proper relaxtion to counterbalance it, stress is the ultimate driving force.
Royston Tan
Stress is a double edged sword, don't fear it, use it!
Many of these patients are not so different from you and I. They are just not sure how to deal with the stress surrounding them. Some face so much stress, any of us put in their position would probably turn out the same.
I often wonder how I can help them, I see them taking different medicines to calm their minds and sleep better but this breeds reliance and I personally feel these are not long term solutions. How then should I tackle this problem? Perhaps the solution is in it's source? I do not know, neither do I have the time, energy or expertise to follow up on their case. Maybe I should take up a module in psychology in uni to pursue my interest?? We shall see......
Looking at the stress I face everyday, I wonder will I also fall someday? I certainly hope not. I have always thrived on pressure and perhaps you can say the fear of failing is my motivation everyday. This stress must be properly channeled and harnessed. Research have shown a stressed worker is more efficient and less likely to makes mistakes, but what it doesn't say is that they probably die younger due to a host of stress-related diseases. However I am determined, with proper relaxtion to counterbalance it, stress is the ultimate driving force.
Royston Tan
Stress is a double edged sword, don't fear it, use it!
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
003 The Dark Side Of Me
During the recent blackouts, I realised one thing. I did not fear the darkness, if anything, i actually find it soothing. Since young I realise I have always preferred the night. Maybe it is the soothing silence or the mysterious darkness. Maybe there is the fear if i totally cannot see anything but with the moonlight, things are just so much more beautiful I feel.
I must commend Singaporeans for their relative calm as well or is it a side effect of our programmed obedience. When there was a blackout at Suntec, I did not see chaos or robbery. Some continued about their shopping albeit in the dark. Others just walked out of the store. Infact the expressions on most faces were amusement rather than confusion. I find this rather peculiar. Perhaps the blackout allowed us to revert back to the basics and realise our current reliance on technology largely dependent on electricity. People perhaps welcomed the change in pace. I know I did. Though it is a short period and i know it sounds kinda weird, I say I enjoyed the blackout. Weird? maybe, this is the dark side of me, accept it.
Royston Tan
Are you afraid of the dark?
I must commend Singaporeans for their relative calm as well or is it a side effect of our programmed obedience. When there was a blackout at Suntec, I did not see chaos or robbery. Some continued about their shopping albeit in the dark. Others just walked out of the store. Infact the expressions on most faces were amusement rather than confusion. I find this rather peculiar. Perhaps the blackout allowed us to revert back to the basics and realise our current reliance on technology largely dependent on electricity. People perhaps welcomed the change in pace. I know I did. Though it is a short period and i know it sounds kinda weird, I say I enjoyed the blackout. Weird? maybe, this is the dark side of me, accept it.
Royston Tan
Are you afraid of the dark?
002 Darkness Falls
I can't imagine my luck. This is the 2nd time in this year that I experienced a blackout.
First was the Nicoll Highway collapse. I was at Suntec at that time. Heard so many "eye witness" saying they felt and heard an explosion. I was so near yet I felt nothing. Maybe I am just too insensitive.
Now this blackout in nearly whole of singapore!!! I was just lying on the floor when suddenly POOF!! no lights!! I looked out the window and I saw total darkness except for the moonlight. COOL!! The news says it is due to some problems with the natural gas supply from Indonesia.
This only served to reinforce the fact that we as a small country are totally dependant on our neighbours for things like water (Malaysia) and Natural Gas (Indonesia) which are rather vital to our survival. Haiz... maybe someday in the future we may solve the water problem with newater. But what about natural gas? it remains that we have no natural resources in our country. Hopefully we can find a solution to that in the near future. Maybe my research in the future can help?? In the meantime we can only hope this peace lasts and we never fight among our neighbours. Actually i hope peace lasts forever.
Royston Tan
How long can this peace last?
First was the Nicoll Highway collapse. I was at Suntec at that time. Heard so many "eye witness" saying they felt and heard an explosion. I was so near yet I felt nothing. Maybe I am just too insensitive.
Now this blackout in nearly whole of singapore!!! I was just lying on the floor when suddenly POOF!! no lights!! I looked out the window and I saw total darkness except for the moonlight. COOL!! The news says it is due to some problems with the natural gas supply from Indonesia.
This only served to reinforce the fact that we as a small country are totally dependant on our neighbours for things like water (Malaysia) and Natural Gas (Indonesia) which are rather vital to our survival. Haiz... maybe someday in the future we may solve the water problem with newater. But what about natural gas? it remains that we have no natural resources in our country. Hopefully we can find a solution to that in the near future. Maybe my research in the future can help?? In the meantime we can only hope this peace lasts and we never fight among our neighbours. Actually i hope peace lasts forever.
Royston Tan
How long can this peace last?
001 The Beginning
I have heard of many people creating blogs but I always thought it was too difficult cause of my lack of knowledge in web page creation. I guess I was wrong. I will not put a pic up yet until I can get a digital cam I always wanted to take a proper picture. I almost never take pictures of myself. Why? I don't wanna spoil the picture. haha. We'll see how long it takes till my pic is up.
I have never kept a diary cause I feel I have nothing to write. If my life remains so uneventful, this blog may as well be the most boring one you will ever see but that remains to be seen. I have kept so many things for so long but I think i will continue to keep them inside me. I will not burden you with my troubles any longer
Royston Tan
May inner peace be found in all of us.
I have never kept a diary cause I feel I have nothing to write. If my life remains so uneventful, this blog may as well be the most boring one you will ever see but that remains to be seen. I have kept so many things for so long but I think i will continue to keep them inside me. I will not burden you with my troubles any longer
Royston Tan
May inner peace be found in all of us.
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