027 Cloaks and Daggers

It is the first day of the exams. Where am I? My haven :). Time has flown since I last sat at these comfy sofas, contemplating my direction in life, my achievements and my mistakes. What brings me here today? I don't know. Perhaps, I just wish to escape, have a moment of peace to myself. As I sit here, sipping my coffee, I realize, my blogs have been having a lot more 'I's. Perhaps I no longer wish to be so impersonal in this blog, or perhaps I have managed to pull closer two different sides of Royston. This may be a start of a new stage, a Royston who has less to hide and more to show but I don't think so. Perhaps it is just because I am tired of hiding. There is too much cloak and dagger going on around us and the world, why add to it?

I must say, this is easier said than done. Think about it. Among those you call friends, how many do you actually trust? With your life? With your secrets? How many do you pretend to call friends ? Aren't we all playing a game of cloak and dagger. A game I would dare say, is closely interwined with our very human nature itself. Our ancestors had to fend for themselves against the rest by fighting or display of might. In our current "civilised" world, we no longer do that (openly at least). To maintain the primp and proper nature, we hide our sniggers and snide remarks behind the cloak that forever wraps around our face. While our ancestors clubbed the opponent to death, we choose a more covert backstab with our sharp and shiny dagger. In a sense it is really like the ocean. All calm and quiet on the surface while fishes fight for survival underneath it.

Can we choose not to participate in it? Perhaps, if you're willing to be slaughtered first. Otherwise, we are all participants whether we like it or not. The best course of action is to adapt, to learn the rules of the game and play along. Like any other game, you gain allies and make enemies. Make sure you choose wisely, for your choice could affect your entire life, not just a single moment. The friend you choose could very well be the one covering your back when another dagger comes or adding to it when you are not looking. Perhaps it is in this aspect that I am glad I have a few allies I can trust my life to, to stand alongside as we figure our way through this game.

Perhaps it may be asked, what about the enemies? I'll sharpen a few daggers to lie in wait. Ready to pounce on you each time you make a mistake. Beware...

Royston Tan
Are you also an involuntary player in this game of life?

026 A Happy Birthday

Blogs about happy events are seldom seen. Perhaps it is because a blog is essentially an outlet for an emotional person to release when he/she is sad. However, I shall dedicate this post to a very happy birthday.

Normally, people celebrate one birthday, but in my family, I am lucky to celebrate it twice!! First, there is my usual birthday according to the julian calendar. Then there is the chinese traditional birthday according to the lunar calendar.

Let's sum up the total here. 2 birthdays, 4 cakes, 2 steamboats and many friends and family. What more can a guy ask for?

First on my usualy birthday, I went as usual to school for class, quietly hoping that my friends would surprise me. (though I did know they prepared a wallet for me due to a certain slip :p) Surprise me they did!! I totally did not expect for me to get a cake, a nice little chocolate cake. Yummy... Never noticed them smuggling it into class and maybe because I sat in front I did not see where they hid it either. Credits to my mse friends who took time to give me this first special surprise.

Next up, I was to collect a present prepared for me by an old friend of mine. Okay maybe not very old, but a good friend nonetheless. A nice little card, with a very apt description of me. Never really thought of myself as an owl but now I think about it, it actually rings quite true. Sleeps late, rounded figure, helpful and wise (okay maybe the last two are a bit of self-praise but hey, it was MY birthday!!) But that's not all!! Along with the card was a package which I am told to handle with extreme care for it was fragile. I shall keep that package a secret a little longer. Read below to see what it is...

After that was on to a steamboat with my best buddies!! At first it was planned for quite a few guys to turn up but in the end, many could not make it. Oh wells, their loss!! Haha... so the few of us helped ourselves to sumptious portions of crabs, prawns and te kua!! Delicious!! We ate from 7 - 10!! Amazing that the stomach did not burst!! Haha...

The night was still young so we walked around and went for DESSERT!! LOL... There, I received my second cake of the day. A nice little slice from my best buddies. Thanks guys, for the company. After all these years, you guys are still the best buddies I have man. Brothers in arms forever...

During the dessert session, I opened up the package... Guess what, it was a CAKE!! Not the normal edible cake, but a handmade, handicraft cake made of sponge-like material. It must have took many days and lots of effort to make. I was very very surprised and very verry touched. To the person who made it, Thank you, I love the cake and I will keep it safe. Haha...

That all happened on one birthday!! haha..

The chinese birthday, though not as eventful, was just as memorable. A nice and simple steamboat with my family members and on top of it, a nice cake my dad bought for me from breadtalk. Though there are times we may disagree or argue, I am thankful for the family that I have. My dad may not show he cares but he always remembers to buy a cake for my birthday. My mom would always give me a red packet or buy me a present, my aunt... I owe her too much... and as for my bro... Oh wells... Hahaha...

A fantastic birthday... If only everyday could be this wonderful...

Royston Tan
Happy Birthday to me

025 Ragston

For 3 years so far, I have taken part in this event called NUS Rag. What is rag? In basic terms it is a competition where halls and faculties present their best float designs and performances to wow the rest of the school. However, the effort put in behind every float design, every structure, every dance move are just unbelieveable for that short 5 minutes of performance.

People keep asking me why I take part in this. Why I put in so much effort in return for nothing. Well... I do get something in return. But it is somethings so intangible that I cannot put it down in proper words. For those who never participated in Rag, you may never understand what I am about to say, but for those who did, perhaps you would identify with me.

Rag to me is about creation. The creation of something from nothing. Everything in there was built from very limited resources by hand. All that goes into it is hard work, ingenuity and sometimes shear brilliance. Perhaps only craftsmen and people who do crafts often would understand the pride, the immense satisfaction of a creation completed. When you see everything come together for the first time, there is a sense of indescribable joy. Did we just build that? How did we do it? Even if the final product may not look as pretty as what others may come to expect, but it is the product of our labour. Much like a mother, we love our children no matter what.

Rag is also about the friends around me. How we toiled day and night, countless hours to complete the float. Often, the last three days are spent without sleep. Going non-stop at it until everything is completed. It is the most tiring part, yet the different antics, the encouragement from friends, the watching of National Day Parade on a pathetic laptop, the feeling that you are not alone keeps you going even after all the caffeine has lost its effect. It is also during the last few days that I see what I have come to term as the miracle of Rag. How people from all over come together and work together to create miracles. Things that would have normally taken days to do is done in hours. It is this period, that I feel most drained yet most satisfying.

I would say that after the experience of Rag, there are few obstacles that I believe cannot be overcomed if people are willing to come together and work together to achieve it. Perhaps this may indeed be the most important lesson I learn from Rag and the one thing I liked most about it.

Would I join Rag again? I don't know. It takes a lot out of you but it sure gives a lot back in return. If I have enough to give, if I see the need to perform the miracles, when the calls for Raggers sound again, I will be there to answer the call. Perhaps that is why they call me Ragston. Well... we'll see if I will take up the task again...

Ragston Tan

Rag... Few things come close...

024 Another loss...

It's been a while since I visited this place. Was it because things were going well in my life? I wish I could have said so. However this was not the case. Many times I wanted to run here to blog, to write out my thoughts and random ramblings but in the end I did not. Why? Simply because I lack the time to do so. Some may point out I had the entire holiday to do so but between the things happening in my life, I simply did not have the time nor energy to do so.

What exactly happened? Well... for those who did not know, to put it simply, my paternal grandmother passed away. To say she was my paternal grandmother is not entirely correct either. She was my grandfather's first wife but my father was the son of the second wife. Technically, she is not really my grandma but did it make it hurt any less? I wish it did.

Though I never stayed with her and I never did meet her all that often, I would never forget her care and concern for me. I may not be her real grandson and she may not be my real grandma but that care, concern and love was real. Perhaps this time I did feel it was a matter of too little too late. I should have visited her more often. I should have told her how much I cared for her and how much I appreciated her. Now, I would never have the chance to do so again. Yes, I did visit her nearly everyday when she was in the hospital. I remember holding her hand as she went to sleep at night so she would not feel so lonely. I remember buying food she craved in her final days. I remember praying by her bed for her to get well. It may be late I know, but I hope amidst all the unhappiness that was around, at least these acts of love made her final days a little happier. What unhappiness? Well... let's just say I live in a complicated family. One that can be made into a channel 8 serial drama series or perhaps even a few. Hahaha......

All these made me realize, family members often disagree or even quarrel but at the end of the day, we are all still family. Look deep inside, there is still that care and concern for one another. Why not learn to emphasize on that love for one another?

Royston Tan

Leave out all the rest

023 An Open Mind

A lot has happened recently to show me again what surprises humanity always holds for me. However, I never really had the chance to sit down and reflect upon them. Lab reports, deadlines, exams, tutorials... these 'important' things clog up my mind and refuse to give me a quiet moment to think the issues though. I say 'important' because I believe someday in the future when I look back at these times, I will see how silly I was worrying about such school work and grades but since I am still living in these times, it is still important, for now...

However, something more important has happened. My grandma was recently admitted into TTSH. While she has been suffering from bad health for some time now, she was well enough to stay at home until now. When my mom told me about it, I knew I had to go visit her. I had put off visiting her due to all those 'important' excuses that I had. Now I realize that if I put it off any further, I may regret it for life. Compared to my other grandma, I probably am not as close to her. Perhaps it is due to me not living with her, perhaps it was because she is not exactly my grandma. It sounds weird, I know but I had three grandmas. One, my paternal one died before I was born. Two, my maternal one died when I was 16. This last one is also my paternal one because my grandpa had two wifes. My grandma was the 2nd wife. Even so, she loved me as one of her own. Some say it is because of the striking resemblance between me and my grandpa but that does not de-value the love she had for me. In a sense, I never really thought of her as anyone but my grandma as well.

When I visited her, I was told by an aunt to meditate on her behalf and pray for my grandma's health. I agreed, almost immediately. I found a corner where I would not be disturbed and sat down to meditate for half an hour. In meditation, I cleared my mind of all thoughts. Exams, petty squabbles, noises, distractions were cleared from me one by one. After a while, I reached what I describe as a peace of mind. In this state, problems, people, perceptions were clear to me. While it was liberating, it was also sad. Like an observer looking at a diamond, things look smooth and shiny at first but when you look closer and closer, you see the flaws, the problems. I would not say I reached enlightenment for that is far beyond me but it did allow me to feel a sense of it. Perhaps that is why I also learn to take things in my stride. Some things are within my power to change but some are not. Sometimes we have to learn how to take things easy. Perhaps if the people around me were open to this concept, we would be less troubled. I guess it still depends on the personality of the individual. This session of meditation helped clear my mind of a lot of things and in a sense I am glad for it. Hopefully I can teach it to some of my friends and set them free. In saying this, I am not trying to convert anyone to Buddhism because I believe Buddhism is a practice, not a religion. It is a way of life and if some people can get used to it, good for them, if not, it is their choice. Buddhism as a practice... That is another topic for another day...

Royston Tan
Open up your mind and free yourself

022 Different sides of a dice

Some people have questioned, why I don't blog anymore, or some would think, I seldom add entries to this blog. Well the latter is true. More and more I realize I have no time to blog and even when I do, I do not know what to say. I started this blog as an outlet for my friends to get to know me better on the different front, a Royston that they almost never get to see.

However, I realize that it is not only my good friends that get to see this blog. Occasionally I do have strangers or acquaintances who happen to chance by this blog. Sometimes they leave a comment, some try to cheer me up or offer alternative viewpoints. For this, I appreciate them and welcome them.

Then there are those who come here trying to dig a little more info about me. To see who I am inside or give them a clue as to what I am thinking currently. To these people, I give this advice. I don't even understand myself at times. What makes you think I can be understood by another person? Perhaps one thing about me can be understood either by knowing me or reading this blog. It is that there are at least two sides of me, one you see in person and one you see here. How many sides make up Royston? That is the question and honestly, I think I lost count.

Let me give you a few examples. There is the zany Royston that would crack lame jokes, does crazy things and has no qualms about embarassing himself. There is also the hopelessly romantic Royston that would love to sit by the river, enjoying a coffee and see the day go by. This is the same Royston that would walk under the rain to feel the raindrops falling from the sky directly onto him. There is also the brother that would put aside everything to help a friend in need but there is also the guy that would give no mercy to a person that has betrayed his trust. Is that all? Not really. Let's see how many sides you get to see.

Royston Tan
Multi-faceted but all me

021 Crossroads

It seems once again, life brings me to yet another crossroad as it does so very often. Most of the time, I will choose what I feel I would never regret. Most of the time, I would choose the path less travelled. Decision making seems to come to me easily. This time however, I am truly at a loss. Either way may lead me down a path I would regret. While one may promise rewards greater than I could ever imagine, it also has potential to bring me the greatest pain. The other while promising no reward at least promises little pain. However, this once, I am truly afraid. For if I take the wrong step, there is no turning back.
Somebody please tell me, what should I do? Confused...

Royston Tan
Which ever path I choose, someone may get hurt. Will it be me?