What constitutes a family? For me, it is my Dad, my Mom, my Brother, myself and until recently, my grandma. She passed away 3 years ago just before my 'O' levels. Thinking back, it is rather amazing how I still studied for my 'O's. How I simply blocked out a part of me to keep it hidden inside for so long. I lived wth my grandma since I was born. to tell the truth she cared for me more than anyone in the world and in return, I loved her.
She fell sick with Alzheimer's when I was in secondary school. When exactly? I do not remember. Taking care of her has been my task throughout my secondary school years. I remember after school when every kid was heading out for fun, I often had to go back home as the rest of my family were busy or out. I had to be home to take care of grandma. To tell the truth I did feel a bit frustrated but now I look back, I am glad I made that choice. Sometimes I had to prepare her food and even feed her and now when I look back I think those events brought me closer to her.
At the later stage of her disease she could not be left at home for a single moment unattended. We sought help from our many relatives, my uncles, aunts and cousins. Except for my closest aunt who is also my godma, nobody really paid heed to our call. My aunt came to our home as often as she could but of course she had a husband to take care of and she could not neglect her family. Even so she tried to spend any available time at my home taking care of my Grandma. The richer ones offered to hire a maid. Though I appreciate the thought I cannot bear my Grandma taken care of by a total stranger from a foreign land given the countless tales of horrors of maids from abroad. The others claimed they had no time. They had to work, they had a family to take care of. I understand their difficulties but if everyone had just chipped in a bit the burden would be much less to bear on my family and my aunt. I can't say I blame them but it would be false to say I did not. On one hand I identify with their difficulty and on the other hand I am saddened by this sight. The old belief that having more children guarantees you a comfortable old age is nothing more than a myth in this modern selfish world.
Though she has passed on for many years now, I still remember dearly the last day I saw her. She could not bear to die in front of me so she waited till I left. I did not hear the news till I reached home that evening. That afternoon as I sat beside her. She was already in a state of semiconsciousness that left her motionless. But miraculously, when I held her hand that day she held it tightly as if she couldn't bear to part. I did not understand her message but I understood it was nearly time to let her go. Understanding is just so different from experiencing as nothing prepared me for the sorrow that I felt when I received news of the inevitable. I hope I would never feel that again.
The day I took my first paper, my English Paper I was the day she was supposed to be cremated. I held back my tears as much as I could but even so, as I saw the body slowly pushed into the fire. My tears just could not stop.I don't know how a logical person like me can ever feel this way but I could only hope that the pain would lessen in time.
Royston Tan
Grandma I miss you
