Recently, my emotions have been forced into an overdrive. I wonder what is the cause of it. Perhaps for the years of my single life, I never knew what I missed and thus lived blissfully in the ignorance of couples and love. Somehow in uni, something tripped in me. I get this feeling that I can no longer go on alone. Is this what leads a guy to go into a desperado mode? I do not wish to go there. Perhaps I need to cool off for a while. Stay far away from the girls and hang out with the guys. I believe I can live on my own and I do not need anyone in my life. I remember a time where I even thought I would go into monkhood. Where has that ability of self-reliance gone? Perhaps this is just a phase which will pass. Perhaps...
Royston Tan
Maybe I wasn't meant to love
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Monday, January 02, 2006
012 2005, A year in review
This year has been an interesting one indeed. A lot of things has happened to me and I think I have grown much mentally and emotionally.
Firstly, I am no longer serving in the army. ORD came at last in april. Though I looked forward to that day for a very long time, when the day came, I did feel a bit of sadness. Afterall, it was in camp that I met Derek, Yong Jie, Henry, Leonard and many many more. Who said army wasn't fun? I feel we had a lot of fun and got to know each other better in army. I can never forget the times spent talking on the beds discussing each other's relationship problems [or rather the lack of it for me. :) ]
Then, I started work in Studio Haroobee. To say the least, it was a very enriching and humbling experience to work around such talented and smart people. Some are blessed with great artistic sense and others are blessed with their smart talent in handling businesses [you know who you are]. However what struck me most was their passion and desire in the arts and their desire to pass it on. I used to ask the purpose of everything. But I realised not everything has to have a purpose and the arts do not have to serve any purpose but it is important nonetheless.
Some of you may not know but I actually worked as a cleaner cum baker cum "teacher". It was a really interesting experience as I never thought I could do art, much less teach. However, I realise that everyone's view on the arts is different. I have my own views and they don't have to fit to the views of others. This applies to life as well. I think I am slowly getting it. I have my views and my ideas. I will try not to force my idea on other people but I will not let other people decide my views as well.
In August, school life in NUS started. It was a mad rush from the very beginning. There were new friends to be made, endless hours spent on essays and tutorials and last but not least an emotional roller coaster ride. It has been 21 years of singlehood for me and it is still continuing. It is not that I don't like girls, neither is it because I don't want to get into a relationship. In fact, I think there was a period of time where I was even desperate to get into one with all the friends around me getting attached. However, I realised that there is no point forcing it if I haven't found the right girl and I will never find the right girl unless I get to know girls better being myself. So I shall just remain myself and get to know the people around me better. [Girls please don't close the doors on me :)]
All in all 2005 is a good year but I think 2006 will be better and I can't wait.
Royston Tan
Love is discovered not seeked
Firstly, I am no longer serving in the army. ORD came at last in april. Though I looked forward to that day for a very long time, when the day came, I did feel a bit of sadness. Afterall, it was in camp that I met Derek, Yong Jie, Henry, Leonard and many many more. Who said army wasn't fun? I feel we had a lot of fun and got to know each other better in army. I can never forget the times spent talking on the beds discussing each other's relationship problems [or rather the lack of it for me. :) ]
Then, I started work in Studio Haroobee. To say the least, it was a very enriching and humbling experience to work around such talented and smart people. Some are blessed with great artistic sense and others are blessed with their smart talent in handling businesses [you know who you are]. However what struck me most was their passion and desire in the arts and their desire to pass it on. I used to ask the purpose of everything. But I realised not everything has to have a purpose and the arts do not have to serve any purpose but it is important nonetheless.
Some of you may not know but I actually worked as a cleaner cum baker cum "teacher". It was a really interesting experience as I never thought I could do art, much less teach. However, I realise that everyone's view on the arts is different. I have my own views and they don't have to fit to the views of others. This applies to life as well. I think I am slowly getting it. I have my views and my ideas. I will try not to force my idea on other people but I will not let other people decide my views as well.
In August, school life in NUS started. It was a mad rush from the very beginning. There were new friends to be made, endless hours spent on essays and tutorials and last but not least an emotional roller coaster ride. It has been 21 years of singlehood for me and it is still continuing. It is not that I don't like girls, neither is it because I don't want to get into a relationship. In fact, I think there was a period of time where I was even desperate to get into one with all the friends around me getting attached. However, I realised that there is no point forcing it if I haven't found the right girl and I will never find the right girl unless I get to know girls better being myself. So I shall just remain myself and get to know the people around me better. [Girls please don't close the doors on me :)]
All in all 2005 is a good year but I think 2006 will be better and I can't wait.
Royston Tan
Love is discovered not seeked
Sunday, July 24, 2005
011 Terror
In the recent years, it seems terrorists have come to the forefront of our attention. Though many governments have stepped forward in the "War Against Terror", I fear this "war" can never be won. It is an endless and senseless fight in which no side wishes to give way.
From the "civilised" world comprising of most of the countries of the United Nations, they are not going to stop their hunt for Osama or any other head terrorist. They have vowed not to give up or cower before the terrorist's bombings and execution. All this sounds right but have we just been brainwashed by the media?
What is the cost of all these? We have caught a few of the main Al-Qaeda members but not the head. We have lost many good men on our side and on their side (though not many will see their side as good men). Even if we do kill or catch Osama, what's to stop another person from stepping up and picking up where he left off. Osama is a figurine, nothing more. Even if he dies, his people are still fighting for an ideal. However corrupt that ideal may seem to us, as long as they still believe in it, this war would never end.
It seems illogical to sympathise with these terrorists but actually, it is true. They need our sympathy as well. Imagine yourself living as one of them. Whether they took part in terrorist activities in the first place, their country and race has already been potrayed as one of baddies. Just take a look at our media reports around us. Do we actually see what is going on in their country? Do we feel the hardship they go through living in a war torn country? Do we see the racism this people put up with when they move to other countries? No, we don't. We can try to imagine but we can never really feel it. Not with our comfortable peaceful lives. Social divide through income and ethnic groups are widening every second. There's little anyone is doing to stop it.
What can we do about all these? Honestly, not much. These thoughts of inferior and superior race has been around for ages. implanted into young minds even before they learn algebra. It is difficult if not impossible to do a reverse engineering of a mind programmed so young. People are simply too absorbed in themselves and their "superior" race to see the good points in other people. They only see the bad points and put others down. What's the point of all these?
I believe that I am lucky as my ancestry as a Peranakan puts me in a unique position closer to chinese and yet not too alienated from malay culture. Hopefully, I can learn Malay later on to further go down that path. I don't mean to forsake my chinese heritage. It's just that I wish that maybe more can step forward to close the gap, build a bridge if you will across the ethnic groups. We are not so different after all. If you cut a malay, chinese or indian, we all bleed and the blood is red. None of us has green or blue blood. What's the difference? Why the disparity?
Royston Tan
There is only one race,
The Human Race. When can we achieve that?
From the "civilised" world comprising of most of the countries of the United Nations, they are not going to stop their hunt for Osama or any other head terrorist. They have vowed not to give up or cower before the terrorist's bombings and execution. All this sounds right but have we just been brainwashed by the media?
What is the cost of all these? We have caught a few of the main Al-Qaeda members but not the head. We have lost many good men on our side and on their side (though not many will see their side as good men). Even if we do kill or catch Osama, what's to stop another person from stepping up and picking up where he left off. Osama is a figurine, nothing more. Even if he dies, his people are still fighting for an ideal. However corrupt that ideal may seem to us, as long as they still believe in it, this war would never end.
It seems illogical to sympathise with these terrorists but actually, it is true. They need our sympathy as well. Imagine yourself living as one of them. Whether they took part in terrorist activities in the first place, their country and race has already been potrayed as one of baddies. Just take a look at our media reports around us. Do we actually see what is going on in their country? Do we feel the hardship they go through living in a war torn country? Do we see the racism this people put up with when they move to other countries? No, we don't. We can try to imagine but we can never really feel it. Not with our comfortable peaceful lives. Social divide through income and ethnic groups are widening every second. There's little anyone is doing to stop it.
What can we do about all these? Honestly, not much. These thoughts of inferior and superior race has been around for ages. implanted into young minds even before they learn algebra. It is difficult if not impossible to do a reverse engineering of a mind programmed so young. People are simply too absorbed in themselves and their "superior" race to see the good points in other people. They only see the bad points and put others down. What's the point of all these?
I believe that I am lucky as my ancestry as a Peranakan puts me in a unique position closer to chinese and yet not too alienated from malay culture. Hopefully, I can learn Malay later on to further go down that path. I don't mean to forsake my chinese heritage. It's just that I wish that maybe more can step forward to close the gap, build a bridge if you will across the ethnic groups. We are not so different after all. If you cut a malay, chinese or indian, we all bleed and the blood is red. None of us has green or blue blood. What's the difference? Why the disparity?
Royston Tan
There is only one race,
The Human Race. When can we achieve that?
Saturday, July 16, 2005
010 Who am I?
At some point of life, most intelligent people are bound to ask themselves, who am I? What is my purpose in life? It seemed this question came to me when I am at the crossroads.
All my life, I have been convinced that I liked science and that researching and teaching is what I really want to do. Is it really the case? Now, the question hits me. Did I do well in science because I like it or did I get interested in science only because I did well? The only person that can answer that is myself but even I do not trust my own perception. After 10 years of brainwashing that science is superior, can I really trust my perception? I guess the answer can never be found. However, in our current society, it is true that science is superior only because you can more likely rely on it to bring home the bacon. It looks like I'll just follow the path that I'm on. Hopefully I'll reach a lucrative job, earn enough and retire to pursue my "real" interests.
Royston Tan
Where does the real me lie?
All my life, I have been convinced that I liked science and that researching and teaching is what I really want to do. Is it really the case? Now, the question hits me. Did I do well in science because I like it or did I get interested in science only because I did well? The only person that can answer that is myself but even I do not trust my own perception. After 10 years of brainwashing that science is superior, can I really trust my perception? I guess the answer can never be found. However, in our current society, it is true that science is superior only because you can more likely rely on it to bring home the bacon. It looks like I'll just follow the path that I'm on. Hopefully I'll reach a lucrative job, earn enough and retire to pursue my "real" interests.
Royston Tan
Where does the real me lie?
Thursday, July 07, 2005
009 Encounter with the Art Side
Recently, I've working at Studio Haroobee quite a lot. Though I just help out doing the odd job here and there, being surrounded by artistic people in an artistic environment has probaby had a profound effect on me.
I remember my early encounters with art quite vividly. I always had a wild imagination on what I would like to draw but somehow these ideas were usually too difficult for me to draw. I would try and try but in the end I gave up. I could never seem to draw out what I wanted to draw in the first place. I could copy a drawing but that is only copying. I don't want to copy another person's drawing, I want to create my own art. Alas it was not to be, I gave up on art and left my left brain to die
It was only in my secondary school years that my left brain awoken from it's dormant state. It was not in the form of art but rather in the form of words, specifically in the essays that people dread most. I found my release in writing. When my sec 4 english teacher gave us an assignment to write an essay on any topic we wanted and gave us a word limit of at least 4000 I was shocked at first. How do I come up with a 4000 word essay? However, I took a while to think and before I know it, I had started on my first fantasy story, "The Five Elemental Dragons". Words just flowed and flowed out of me, 1000 words came, 2000 words came and suddenly I had a 20 page essay! I was shocked but I also realised that I was happy. This was something that I created, not copied from anyone else. That marked the awakening of my left brain but it has been atrophied after such a long time of disuse. It is a good start nonetheless.
Recently, working in the art studio, I learnt to appreciate how the children see the world. I am quite glad such a studio exists with the kind and patient teachers that focus on teaching them teachniques to beautify their paintings rather than "the right thing". From my point of view, there can never be a right or wrong in art, it is all subjective. Actually to create a painting, a sculpture or a story is a personal achievement. Even if no one else appreciates it, it doesn't de-value your art. It is more than that. It is a therapy for self esteem and an outlet for de-stressing. Hopefully the young children that come through the studio would appreciate it in the future.
Royston Tan
Education does not kill creativity but limitations do.
Free your self and see a whole new world beyond the clouds.
I remember my early encounters with art quite vividly. I always had a wild imagination on what I would like to draw but somehow these ideas were usually too difficult for me to draw. I would try and try but in the end I gave up. I could never seem to draw out what I wanted to draw in the first place. I could copy a drawing but that is only copying. I don't want to copy another person's drawing, I want to create my own art. Alas it was not to be, I gave up on art and left my left brain to die
It was only in my secondary school years that my left brain awoken from it's dormant state. It was not in the form of art but rather in the form of words, specifically in the essays that people dread most. I found my release in writing. When my sec 4 english teacher gave us an assignment to write an essay on any topic we wanted and gave us a word limit of at least 4000 I was shocked at first. How do I come up with a 4000 word essay? However, I took a while to think and before I know it, I had started on my first fantasy story, "The Five Elemental Dragons". Words just flowed and flowed out of me, 1000 words came, 2000 words came and suddenly I had a 20 page essay! I was shocked but I also realised that I was happy. This was something that I created, not copied from anyone else. That marked the awakening of my left brain but it has been atrophied after such a long time of disuse. It is a good start nonetheless.
Recently, working in the art studio, I learnt to appreciate how the children see the world. I am quite glad such a studio exists with the kind and patient teachers that focus on teaching them teachniques to beautify their paintings rather than "the right thing". From my point of view, there can never be a right or wrong in art, it is all subjective. Actually to create a painting, a sculpture or a story is a personal achievement. Even if no one else appreciates it, it doesn't de-value your art. It is more than that. It is a therapy for self esteem and an outlet for de-stressing. Hopefully the young children that come through the studio would appreciate it in the future.
Royston Tan
Education does not kill creativity but limitations do.
Free your self and see a whole new world beyond the clouds.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
008 My Grandma
What constitutes a family? For me, it is my Dad, my Mom, my Brother, myself and until recently, my grandma. She passed away 3 years ago just before my 'O' levels. Thinking back, it is rather amazing how I still studied for my 'O's. How I simply blocked out a part of me to keep it hidden inside for so long. I lived wth my grandma since I was born. to tell the truth she cared for me more than anyone in the world and in return, I loved her.
She fell sick with Alzheimer's when I was in secondary school. When exactly? I do not remember. Taking care of her has been my task throughout my secondary school years. I remember after school when every kid was heading out for fun, I often had to go back home as the rest of my family were busy or out. I had to be home to take care of grandma. To tell the truth I did feel a bit frustrated but now I look back, I am glad I made that choice. Sometimes I had to prepare her food and even feed her and now when I look back I think those events brought me closer to her.
At the later stage of her disease she could not be left at home for a single moment unattended. We sought help from our many relatives, my uncles, aunts and cousins. Except for my closest aunt who is also my godma, nobody really paid heed to our call. My aunt came to our home as often as she could but of course she had a husband to take care of and she could not neglect her family. Even so she tried to spend any available time at my home taking care of my Grandma. The richer ones offered to hire a maid. Though I appreciate the thought I cannot bear my Grandma taken care of by a total stranger from a foreign land given the countless tales of horrors of maids from abroad. The others claimed they had no time. They had to work, they had a family to take care of. I understand their difficulties but if everyone had just chipped in a bit the burden would be much less to bear on my family and my aunt. I can't say I blame them but it would be false to say I did not. On one hand I identify with their difficulty and on the other hand I am saddened by this sight. The old belief that having more children guarantees you a comfortable old age is nothing more than a myth in this modern selfish world.
Though she has passed on for many years now, I still remember dearly the last day I saw her. She could not bear to die in front of me so she waited till I left. I did not hear the news till I reached home that evening. That afternoon as I sat beside her. She was already in a state of semiconsciousness that left her motionless. But miraculously, when I held her hand that day she held it tightly as if she couldn't bear to part. I did not understand her message but I understood it was nearly time to let her go. Understanding is just so different from experiencing as nothing prepared me for the sorrow that I felt when I received news of the inevitable. I hope I would never feel that again.
The day I took my first paper, my English Paper I was the day she was supposed to be cremated. I held back my tears as much as I could but even so, as I saw the body slowly pushed into the fire. My tears just could not stop.I don't know how a logical person like me can ever feel this way but I could only hope that the pain would lessen in time.
Royston Tan
Grandma I miss you
She fell sick with Alzheimer's when I was in secondary school. When exactly? I do not remember. Taking care of her has been my task throughout my secondary school years. I remember after school when every kid was heading out for fun, I often had to go back home as the rest of my family were busy or out. I had to be home to take care of grandma. To tell the truth I did feel a bit frustrated but now I look back, I am glad I made that choice. Sometimes I had to prepare her food and even feed her and now when I look back I think those events brought me closer to her.
At the later stage of her disease she could not be left at home for a single moment unattended. We sought help from our many relatives, my uncles, aunts and cousins. Except for my closest aunt who is also my godma, nobody really paid heed to our call. My aunt came to our home as often as she could but of course she had a husband to take care of and she could not neglect her family. Even so she tried to spend any available time at my home taking care of my Grandma. The richer ones offered to hire a maid. Though I appreciate the thought I cannot bear my Grandma taken care of by a total stranger from a foreign land given the countless tales of horrors of maids from abroad. The others claimed they had no time. They had to work, they had a family to take care of. I understand their difficulties but if everyone had just chipped in a bit the burden would be much less to bear on my family and my aunt. I can't say I blame them but it would be false to say I did not. On one hand I identify with their difficulty and on the other hand I am saddened by this sight. The old belief that having more children guarantees you a comfortable old age is nothing more than a myth in this modern selfish world.
Though she has passed on for many years now, I still remember dearly the last day I saw her. She could not bear to die in front of me so she waited till I left. I did not hear the news till I reached home that evening. That afternoon as I sat beside her. She was already in a state of semiconsciousness that left her motionless. But miraculously, when I held her hand that day she held it tightly as if she couldn't bear to part. I did not understand her message but I understood it was nearly time to let her go. Understanding is just so different from experiencing as nothing prepared me for the sorrow that I felt when I received news of the inevitable. I hope I would never feel that again.
The day I took my first paper, my English Paper I was the day she was supposed to be cremated. I held back my tears as much as I could but even so, as I saw the body slowly pushed into the fire. My tears just could not stop.I don't know how a logical person like me can ever feel this way but I could only hope that the pain would lessen in time.
Royston Tan
Grandma I miss you
Sunday, August 15, 2004
007 Ghosts
Since young, I have always had this fascination with all things paranormal. Ghosts are but just a part of it. I had always wondered, what goes on after we die. Is there really another side where we continue our existence?
Living in my family and in Singapore, I get to see many different eye-openers. One of themany spectacles is how people invoke gods into their bodies and do incredible things they are not able to do normally. Many sceptics point to many tricks of the trade and such but I feel all they need is to sit in one of the real actual sessions. See if they still have the same impression after that. :) Maybe some say it is just unlocking the powers of the mind but even so it continues to fascinate me. I wonder how it is possible. But like magic, I guess the "fun" is in not knowing how it works.
One other weird thing is how some people claim to be able to see ghosts. Though it is fascinating I do hope never to live withthat burden. I have met people who are able to do so and from what I hear, it is not a pretty sight. However, it is pretty helpful to have such friends around. He used to warn us while we were training outfield where to avoid and where not to piss. Never really understood until I met them that outfield can be so "dangerous".
Somehow with all these real cases there are always some that involve the "ghosts" in our hearts. Recently after watching "The Village", I started to question, are all the limitations in our society and world for real, or are they like "those we do not speak of", just old wives tales or stories meant to protect us. What if we had the means to go and live in moon but it was kept from us as it is inhabited by aliens as conspiracy theorists claim? What if the lack of air in outer space was just one big cover-up? How would we find out the truth? Do we dare to question all these "facts"? Maybe I had ventured a bit too far into Sci-fi but it is simply true that we have all lived in a cocooned lfe that simply accepts all these "facts" that our government and world throw at us. What if we wake up tomorrow out of the "Matrix"? I bet most of you probably just laugh off my questions but for those who actually stop to think, just think. Where do we get all the information about outer space? Why are there no more manned missions to the moon? Have we discovered it all?
Royston Tan
Have you even paused to think why rain drops all at once in small droplets and not as a sheet of water or small droplets as and when they condense?
Living in my family and in Singapore, I get to see many different eye-openers. One of themany spectacles is how people invoke gods into their bodies and do incredible things they are not able to do normally. Many sceptics point to many tricks of the trade and such but I feel all they need is to sit in one of the real actual sessions. See if they still have the same impression after that. :) Maybe some say it is just unlocking the powers of the mind but even so it continues to fascinate me. I wonder how it is possible. But like magic, I guess the "fun" is in not knowing how it works.
One other weird thing is how some people claim to be able to see ghosts. Though it is fascinating I do hope never to live withthat burden. I have met people who are able to do so and from what I hear, it is not a pretty sight. However, it is pretty helpful to have such friends around. He used to warn us while we were training outfield where to avoid and where not to piss. Never really understood until I met them that outfield can be so "dangerous".
Somehow with all these real cases there are always some that involve the "ghosts" in our hearts. Recently after watching "The Village", I started to question, are all the limitations in our society and world for real, or are they like "those we do not speak of", just old wives tales or stories meant to protect us. What if we had the means to go and live in moon but it was kept from us as it is inhabited by aliens as conspiracy theorists claim? What if the lack of air in outer space was just one big cover-up? How would we find out the truth? Do we dare to question all these "facts"? Maybe I had ventured a bit too far into Sci-fi but it is simply true that we have all lived in a cocooned lfe that simply accepts all these "facts" that our government and world throw at us. What if we wake up tomorrow out of the "Matrix"? I bet most of you probably just laugh off my questions but for those who actually stop to think, just think. Where do we get all the information about outer space? Why are there no more manned missions to the moon? Have we discovered it all?
Royston Tan
Have you even paused to think why rain drops all at once in small droplets and not as a sheet of water or small droplets as and when they condense?
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