A lot has happened recently to show me again what surprises humanity always holds for me. However, I never really had the chance to sit down and reflect upon them. Lab reports, deadlines, exams, tutorials... these 'important' things clog up my mind and refuse to give me a quiet moment to think the issues though. I say 'important' because I believe someday in the future when I look back at these times, I will see how silly I was worrying about such school work and grades but since I am still living in these times, it is still important, for now...
However, something more important has happened. My grandma was recently admitted into TTSH. While she has been suffering from bad health for some time now, she was well enough to stay at home until now. When my mom told me about it, I knew I had to go visit her. I had put off visiting her due to all those 'important' excuses that I had. Now I realize that if I put it off any further, I may regret it for life. Compared to my other grandma, I probably am not as close to her. Perhaps it is due to me not living with her, perhaps it was because she is not exactly my grandma. It sounds weird, I know but I had three grandmas. One, my paternal one died before I was born. Two, my maternal one died when I was 16. This last one is also my paternal one because my grandpa had two wifes. My grandma was the 2nd wife. Even so, she loved me as one of her own. Some say it is because of the striking resemblance between me and my grandpa but that does not de-value the love she had for me. In a sense, I never really thought of her as anyone but my grandma as well.
When I visited her, I was told by an aunt to meditate on her behalf and pray for my grandma's health. I agreed, almost immediately. I found a corner where I would not be disturbed and sat down to meditate for half an hour. In meditation, I cleared my mind of all thoughts. Exams, petty squabbles, noises, distractions were cleared from me one by one. After a while, I reached what I describe as a peace of mind. In this state, problems, people, perceptions were clear to me. While it was liberating, it was also sad. Like an observer looking at a diamond, things look smooth and shiny at first but when you look closer and closer, you see the flaws, the problems. I would not say I reached enlightenment for that is far beyond me but it did allow me to feel a sense of it. Perhaps that is why I also learn to take things in my stride. Some things are within my power to change but some are not. Sometimes we have to learn how to take things easy. Perhaps if the people around me were open to this concept, we would be less troubled. I guess it still depends on the personality of the individual. This session of meditation helped clear my mind of a lot of things and in a sense I am glad for it. Hopefully I can teach it to some of my friends and set them free. In saying this, I am not trying to convert anyone to Buddhism because I believe Buddhism is a practice, not a religion. It is a way of life and if some people can get used to it, good for them, if not, it is their choice. Buddhism as a practice... That is another topic for another day...
Royston Tan
Open up your mind and free yourself
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
022 Different sides of a dice
Some people have questioned, why I don't blog anymore, or some would think, I seldom add entries to this blog. Well the latter is true. More and more I realize I have no time to blog and even when I do, I do not know what to say. I started this blog as an outlet for my friends to get to know me better on the different front, a Royston that they almost never get to see.
However, I realize that it is not only my good friends that get to see this blog. Occasionally I do have strangers or acquaintances who happen to chance by this blog. Sometimes they leave a comment, some try to cheer me up or offer alternative viewpoints. For this, I appreciate them and welcome them.
Then there are those who come here trying to dig a little more info about me. To see who I am inside or give them a clue as to what I am thinking currently. To these people, I give this advice. I don't even understand myself at times. What makes you think I can be understood by another person? Perhaps one thing about me can be understood either by knowing me or reading this blog. It is that there are at least two sides of me, one you see in person and one you see here. How many sides make up Royston? That is the question and honestly, I think I lost count.
Let me give you a few examples. There is the zany Royston that would crack lame jokes, does crazy things and has no qualms about embarassing himself. There is also the hopelessly romantic Royston that would love to sit by the river, enjoying a coffee and see the day go by. This is the same Royston that would walk under the rain to feel the raindrops falling from the sky directly onto him. There is also the brother that would put aside everything to help a friend in need but there is also the guy that would give no mercy to a person that has betrayed his trust. Is that all? Not really. Let's see how many sides you get to see.
Royston Tan
Multi-faceted but all me
However, I realize that it is not only my good friends that get to see this blog. Occasionally I do have strangers or acquaintances who happen to chance by this blog. Sometimes they leave a comment, some try to cheer me up or offer alternative viewpoints. For this, I appreciate them and welcome them.
Then there are those who come here trying to dig a little more info about me. To see who I am inside or give them a clue as to what I am thinking currently. To these people, I give this advice. I don't even understand myself at times. What makes you think I can be understood by another person? Perhaps one thing about me can be understood either by knowing me or reading this blog. It is that there are at least two sides of me, one you see in person and one you see here. How many sides make up Royston? That is the question and honestly, I think I lost count.
Let me give you a few examples. There is the zany Royston that would crack lame jokes, does crazy things and has no qualms about embarassing himself. There is also the hopelessly romantic Royston that would love to sit by the river, enjoying a coffee and see the day go by. This is the same Royston that would walk under the rain to feel the raindrops falling from the sky directly onto him. There is also the brother that would put aside everything to help a friend in need but there is also the guy that would give no mercy to a person that has betrayed his trust. Is that all? Not really. Let's see how many sides you get to see.
Royston Tan
Multi-faceted but all me
Saturday, February 17, 2007
021 Crossroads
It seems once again, life brings me to yet another crossroad as it does so very often. Most of the time, I will choose what I feel I would never regret. Most of the time, I would choose the path less travelled. Decision making seems to come to me easily. This time however, I am truly at a loss. Either way may lead me down a path I would regret. While one may promise rewards greater than I could ever imagine, it also has potential to bring me the greatest pain. The other while promising no reward at least promises little pain. However, this once, I am truly afraid. For if I take the wrong step, there is no turning back.
Somebody please tell me, what should I do? Confused...
Royston Tan
Which ever path I choose, someone may get hurt. Will it be me?
Somebody please tell me, what should I do? Confused...
Royston Tan
Which ever path I choose, someone may get hurt. Will it be me?
Friday, December 22, 2006
020 Creature of the night
The nightlife is always so much more appealing to me. There is something about the blanketing darkness, the cool night breeze that appeals to me. Perhaps some may say I prefer to hide in darkness, perhaps some say I do not dare face the light. Let them say what they like. Perhaps there is a certain truth to what they say... then again... perhaps not.
When you mention nightlife however, people think of different things. Most people think of clubs, pubs and even nightclubs. Though these form part of the nightlife, they do not figure high on my to do list (esp not nightclubs). To me I much prefer the simpler things in the night, a supper at a good supper spot with good food and even better company. Somehow the night makes it easier to talk. Words and topics come freely and easily. Things that are hidden in the day come out to play. When tiredness finally sets in, the songs of the night takes over.
Clubs and pubs... They are so different from the simple supper spots. However, they do add an interesting dimension to nightlife. Years ago, I recalled wondering, what's with all these adults drinking a bitter liquid that turns normally sensible men into retards who cannot even control their actions and bowels. Today, I am happy to say, I am not one of those men. I do drink, that I admit but only when with friends and only when I am happy. Alcohol does give a certain sense of euphoria that nothing else provides but only in moderation. I guess I am lucky in the sense that even when I am drunk, I know what I am doing and I know how to take care of myself. There is a limit to how much I can drink and I will not overstep that boundary. However, wherever I am, whatever I do, there is always a bottomline when I go drinking. It is a rule that I set for myself a long time ago and it is a rule which I will never break. Never drink when I am sad. Drinking is only for happy occasions. Only cowards who cannot face their problems drown their sorrows in alcohol. In the end, they get a temporary relieve, a big bad headache and a huge hit to the liver. For what purpose if I may ask. Alcohols should never be wasted on sadness but rather to celebrate happiness and friendship.
Royston Tan
Alcohol, curse or blessing...
When you mention nightlife however, people think of different things. Most people think of clubs, pubs and even nightclubs. Though these form part of the nightlife, they do not figure high on my to do list (esp not nightclubs). To me I much prefer the simpler things in the night, a supper at a good supper spot with good food and even better company. Somehow the night makes it easier to talk. Words and topics come freely and easily. Things that are hidden in the day come out to play. When tiredness finally sets in, the songs of the night takes over.
Clubs and pubs... They are so different from the simple supper spots. However, they do add an interesting dimension to nightlife. Years ago, I recalled wondering, what's with all these adults drinking a bitter liquid that turns normally sensible men into retards who cannot even control their actions and bowels. Today, I am happy to say, I am not one of those men. I do drink, that I admit but only when with friends and only when I am happy. Alcohol does give a certain sense of euphoria that nothing else provides but only in moderation. I guess I am lucky in the sense that even when I am drunk, I know what I am doing and I know how to take care of myself. There is a limit to how much I can drink and I will not overstep that boundary. However, wherever I am, whatever I do, there is always a bottomline when I go drinking. It is a rule that I set for myself a long time ago and it is a rule which I will never break. Never drink when I am sad. Drinking is only for happy occasions. Only cowards who cannot face their problems drown their sorrows in alcohol. In the end, they get a temporary relieve, a big bad headache and a huge hit to the liver. For what purpose if I may ask. Alcohols should never be wasted on sadness but rather to celebrate happiness and friendship.
Royston Tan
Alcohol, curse or blessing...
Thursday, July 27, 2006
019 Dreams Are My Reality
Have you ever had a dream so wonderful, so beautiful, so vivid that you thought it was real? I had one recently. Perhaps it was my sub-conscious mind cheering me up, or maybe it was a message. Then again, it might just be a premonition of things to come. I somehow wish it was the last option.
Though it is a very private dream, for once, I feel like sharing it. It was a very simple dream, but there was one moment that I remembered very vividly. It was a feeling I never felt before except in this dream. I was walking along the street on my way home. Beside me was this lovely lady whom I just cannot seem to remember the face of. (Perhaps it is a surprise that fate planned for me.) I was holding her hand and she was holding mine. It was this blissful feeling of being in love with someone and being loved in return. It was a dream, but I could almost feel her hand, the softness of her touch and her warmth. I remember having to let go of her hand to do something but she refused to let me go. I relented, so we just held hands and continued walking. She wanted me to clasp her hand with both hands and so I did. She then clasp her hand over mine. Though it was hard to walk that way, it was just a beautiful moment to me.
To some of you this dream may seem too insignificant with nothing much in it. However, I feel different. It was the touch of her hand that conveyed feelings more than any word could. It is a feeling I cannot simply describe with words for words would de-value it.
Perhaps it shows my longing for a one true love, perhaps it is a sign of things to come. I do not know. All I know is, I enjoyed the dream and it brightened up my day.
To the lady of my dream, I don't know who you are or how you look like but you brightened up my life just by simply coming to me in this dream. To live this dream, I am willing to search for you, I am willing to wait for you...
Royston Tan
If only dreams come true...
Though it is a very private dream, for once, I feel like sharing it. It was a very simple dream, but there was one moment that I remembered very vividly. It was a feeling I never felt before except in this dream. I was walking along the street on my way home. Beside me was this lovely lady whom I just cannot seem to remember the face of. (Perhaps it is a surprise that fate planned for me.) I was holding her hand and she was holding mine. It was this blissful feeling of being in love with someone and being loved in return. It was a dream, but I could almost feel her hand, the softness of her touch and her warmth. I remember having to let go of her hand to do something but she refused to let me go. I relented, so we just held hands and continued walking. She wanted me to clasp her hand with both hands and so I did. She then clasp her hand over mine. Though it was hard to walk that way, it was just a beautiful moment to me.
To some of you this dream may seem too insignificant with nothing much in it. However, I feel different. It was the touch of her hand that conveyed feelings more than any word could. It is a feeling I cannot simply describe with words for words would de-value it.
Perhaps it shows my longing for a one true love, perhaps it is a sign of things to come. I do not know. All I know is, I enjoyed the dream and it brightened up my day.
To the lady of my dream, I don't know who you are or how you look like but you brightened up my life just by simply coming to me in this dream. To live this dream, I am willing to search for you, I am willing to wait for you...
Royston Tan
If only dreams come true...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
018 Love actually...
Why do people fall in love? Many do so because they do not want to be alone anymore. I do agree it is a nice feeling to know you are needed and cared about by someone and in return you do care for and need the person. The mutual care and appreciation is something that not as evident amongst even the best of friends. They search for that soulmate who would be there for them when no one else cares. I think it is a good enough reason for me but I slowly begin to realise that true perfect love like in the stories never exist. No one goes living happily ever after.
In spite of all the beautiful images of love that I see in the movies and books, Love in reality is never like that. Love brings with it the many many emotions that we would rather not see, many hidden clauses inside that we would normally avoid at all cost. The lost and confused feeling during the courting stage, the feeling of insecurity of comparison, the fear of losing, the fear of upsetting that special someone, the petty squabbles, the times where you almost give it all up, too tired to go on and when it is all over, the overwhelming feeling of loss and the flood of old memories both good and bad. All these in the insane package of LOVE. Considering all these, it is amazing the number of people who fall in love everyday. Maybe in the end it is worth it if you find that special someone. I won't know, I haven't met her yet...
Royston Tan
You must be crazy to fall in love
In spite of all the beautiful images of love that I see in the movies and books, Love in reality is never like that. Love brings with it the many many emotions that we would rather not see, many hidden clauses inside that we would normally avoid at all cost. The lost and confused feeling during the courting stage, the feeling of insecurity of comparison, the fear of losing, the fear of upsetting that special someone, the petty squabbles, the times where you almost give it all up, too tired to go on and when it is all over, the overwhelming feeling of loss and the flood of old memories both good and bad. All these in the insane package of LOVE. Considering all these, it is amazing the number of people who fall in love everyday. Maybe in the end it is worth it if you find that special someone. I won't know, I haven't met her yet...
Royston Tan
You must be crazy to fall in love
Monday, June 26, 2006
017 Understanding myself
It has been a while since I entered this blog. For a while I thought I was just going to let it die off which was actually a good thing. For the friends who actually bother to read it, be glad that I do not blog cause when I blog, it is usually when I am feeling unhappy or bothered. However, here I am blogging yet again and for those who know the reason, all is not really well in my life right now. I need time, to sort things out and think things through but do not worry for me, I will be not be bogged down for long. I will get back a stronger and better person
The many things that happened between this post and the last made me re-think my outlook in life. Many people think they know themselves very well. They knew what they wanted to have, knew what they wanted to be, knew what kind of people they like and many many more... However, I realise that we are constantly changing even if we do not realise it. What you liked before may not be what you like a year from now. However, what is less changing are the things we do not like or even hate. Perhaps it is through a process of elimination, where we go through many things that we know the things we definitely do not want, gradually cutting down the population to the things we want. However, there is a possibility that in the end, we cut out everything, leaving us with nothing. Hopefully neither me nor my friends would live to see those days.
This realization brought me to a conclusion on love. Most of the time, first loves do not work out because nobody starts out knowing exactly what they want. Some do get lucky and meet the perfect one, but for the rest of us, it is a slow painful process where we meet someone, get our hopes up that he or she may be the one before hitting the cold wall when you realise that you have made a terrible mistake. It is not so easy to just let it go where love is concerned. It takes time, the higher the hopes, the longer it takes. Yet, it is through this painful cycle that we actually grow and perhaps when we find the one, we cherish him or her even more. Is there another way? If there is, I would love to look at it, perhaps then I can avoid heartbreaks and help others are facing the same vicious cycle.
Royston Tan
It is not what we want that decides who we are, it is what we do not want that decides it.
The many things that happened between this post and the last made me re-think my outlook in life. Many people think they know themselves very well. They knew what they wanted to have, knew what they wanted to be, knew what kind of people they like and many many more... However, I realise that we are constantly changing even if we do not realise it. What you liked before may not be what you like a year from now. However, what is less changing are the things we do not like or even hate. Perhaps it is through a process of elimination, where we go through many things that we know the things we definitely do not want, gradually cutting down the population to the things we want. However, there is a possibility that in the end, we cut out everything, leaving us with nothing. Hopefully neither me nor my friends would live to see those days.
This realization brought me to a conclusion on love. Most of the time, first loves do not work out because nobody starts out knowing exactly what they want. Some do get lucky and meet the perfect one, but for the rest of us, it is a slow painful process where we meet someone, get our hopes up that he or she may be the one before hitting the cold wall when you realise that you have made a terrible mistake. It is not so easy to just let it go where love is concerned. It takes time, the higher the hopes, the longer it takes. Yet, it is through this painful cycle that we actually grow and perhaps when we find the one, we cherish him or her even more. Is there another way? If there is, I would love to look at it, perhaps then I can avoid heartbreaks and help others are facing the same vicious cycle.
Royston Tan
It is not what we want that decides who we are, it is what we do not want that decides it.
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